The true protagonist of Animal Farm is Napoleon the Pig, so now you have an initial connection to this column’s title. For those who don’t remember Napoleon’s law of the farm, there were two “constitutional” proclamations painted on the side of the barn: All animals are created equal. Some animals are created more equally than others. So, class... Today’s “lesson” has something to do with fair play, but it has nothing to do with baseballs landing inside any white chalked lines... Nor does it have anything to do with portion control, so enjoy unrestricted munching on your snack as you read.
I give you Exhibit A... New York Jets wide receiver Santonio Holmes, inventor of the South Beach hissy fit during the final drive of last year’s regular season finale, a 19-17 loss to the Dolphins. Earlier this week, Mr. Holmes, basking in the glow -- er, relief — of last Sunday’s 23-20 overtime win in Miami and arguably the most productive game of his Jets tenure (9 receptions, 147 yards), managed to find something to complain about. What’s the problem? Holmes has been very successful drawing pass interference penalties (8 so far in the Jets first 3 games), a big pay-off from lots of extra speed training with receivers coach Sanjay Lal. Those penalties gave the Jets offense 8 additional first downs, extending scoring drives for the team. Well, there are team players, and then there’s Santonio Holmes. What’s Holmes’ beef, considering he’s been involved so far in 17 positive plays compared to quarterback Mark Sanchez’s total of 50 pass completions? Mr. Holmes wishes the penalty yardage was applied to his personal receiving stats.
Believe it or not, it’s not necessarily the craziest modernization of player statistics I’ve ever heard of. In theory, if Holmes caught all those passes he was interfered with, he’d be off to an All-Pro start, so why not give him credit for the yards he picked up for the team via penalty and give him partial credit for a reception?
OINK! OINK! OINK! Because good ol’ Santonio was only thinking about his own stats, not the quarterback’s, as in the guy who threw Holmes the pass. If we’re going to give Holmes yardage credit for almost catching a pass he was interfered with, shouldn’t Sanchez also get some statistical credit for throwing the pass to begin with? Nah... Holmes could care less about Sanchez’s stats. Holmes, ever the team player, told the New York Daily News: “when you’re catching the ball in the end zone and you get a flag drawn, you don’t want a running back on the 1-yard-line stealing your touchdown.”
Is he kidding us?! If Holmes catches the ball in the end zone, the pass interference penalty is moot on the basis of a scored touchdown. The reason for receiving penalty yardage for pass interference is because the receiver DIDN’T catch the ball. What offensive coordinator in his right mind calls the same pass play from the 1-yard-line after your top receiver already got mugged on the previous play? If Holmes couldn’t separate himself from a defensive back running downfield, what makes him think he can get open within the boxed-in confines of the end zone?! If the running back scores on the next play, that’s his touchdown, not Holmes’. You see, Santonio, this is how the game works... He who runs over the goal line with the ball in his hands scores the touchdown. If you want some kind of statistical assist, switch sports and play hockey.
Speaking of hockey, the NHL just canceled their entire preseason for the 2012-2013 season because the players are locked out. Players want more money. Owners want to keep more of it for themselves. Gee, where have we heard this debate before?
I give you Exhibit B... The NFL owners finally reached a new contract settlement with the referees association. After three weeks of replacement officials trying to fill the shoes of officials who really know how to officiate an NFL game, we no longer have to worry about imposters botching calls, assigning penalties to the wrong teams, and embarrassing the league... Until the regular officials botch a call at the worst possible moment. Just like everyone else, I tried to maintain my patience while the replacement officials tried to do a job they were inadequately prepared for. Unlike everyone else, I didn’t carry on the world was ending because former high school referees were officiating nationally televised NFL games. It was what it was, and thank goodness it was only for three weeks. It really could’ve been worse, as in the entire season. If that overwhelms your patience, how would you handle your child starting the school year with a brand-new teacher who was freshly graduated from college, lacking one iota of unmonitored classroom experience? What are you going to do then — march into the school principal’s office and demand the old retired teacher be brought back until your child’s promoted to the next grade? Where do you think you are, Yankee Stadium, where Andy Pettitte keeps returning one more time?
Let it go, officiating purists. I didn’t see you guys out there pitching in to preserve the “shield.” In fact, I thought it would’ve been better if retired NFL players volunteered to officiate games while the lockout was going on, so we at least knew things were in the hands of people who were most familiar with the rules and speed of the game, but what do I know?
A little advice to Packers fans... I watched that game Monday night, almost the entire slog fest, including the final play -- the “interception that wasn’t” -- and I think the Seahawks defense sacking Aaron Rodgers eight times was a far bigger thing to worry about than the Packers losing the game on a Hail Mary that was full of something other than Grace. If the Packer offensive line doesn’t start blocking better, Green Bay is facing diminished odds of becoming Titletown again this season.
Memo to Rex Ryan: See game film of Seattle defensive line. Behavior reflects what is called a pass rush. Teach it to Jets defensive line.
But seriously, folks... As much as the NFL is a $9-Billion industry, lockouts and protracted contract negotiations between owners and unions representing on-field participants should not be shocking, nor should we be reaching for high-power sedatives or pointing fingers and taking sides every time a new contract needs to be hammered out. All parties are trying to negotiate very long-term contracts and want to get it right. The players have a ten-year CBA and now the officials have an eight-year CBA. Those are long periods of time to have to live with the terms of a deal. Sure, it’s a lot of moolah at stake and all parties are trying to score as much as possible and then some more. It’s not like players or officials can hold out in unison every few years if they don’t feel economically loved enough anymore relative to revenue. Unions aren’t just negotiating CBAs for today and tomorrow; they’re negotiating CBAs in the face of today’s economics while trying to foresee an economic landscape a decade down the road. Shame on the NFL and the NFLRA for not starting negotiations earlier in order to prevent a lockout, but shame on all of us for acting like the sky was falling while replacements tried and failed to maintain law and order during games. What was the NFL supposed to do? Cancel the season until a new CBA was worked out and ratified? Think back to how nuts folks were last year at the prospect of a suspended season while the players CBA negotiations slogged at a snail’s pace? OINK! OINK! OINK! The NFL was damned if it did and damned if it didn’t because pro football fans have become too impatient and obsessed with the sport. If the perpetual risk of deadly injury doesn’t kill the sport, the mind-boggling money and greed will, or our insatiable appetite and unrealistic expectations will.
Speaking of money, greed, contracts, holdout and injuries...
I give you Exhibit C... OINK! OINK! OINK! Shame on all of us, including the media and Jets injured cornerback supreme, Darrelle Revis, for speculating about the status of his contract and future free agency less than 48 hours after he torn the ACL in his left knee in Miami last Sunday. He hasn’t even begun rehab or had surgery yet, and people, including Revis and his agents, are worrying about whether he’s going to get his big payday in 2013?! Maybe we should see how Revis is able to play on that surgically repaired knee first? And WHAT payday?! He’s under contract through the 2013 season after scoring big twice already after protracted and disruptive holdouts in 2007 and 2010. Enough is enough! He’s due approximately $6-Million in 2013; that’s more than generous after earning in excess of $60-Million since his rookie season. More importantly, Revis is one of 53 men that a total team salary of approximately $125-Million must be divvied among. My ballpark estimation is that Revis represents approximately two-percent of the roster but approximately five-recent of the salary pool. Revis isn’t the only Jet looking for a new contract, and before you know it, the Jets front office may run out of money trying to pacify their superstars, deserving, overrated, injured or irrelevant.
My first thought after Revis injured his knee? The crappy turf at Miami’s Pro Player Stadium -- or whatever the Dolphins ownership calls it now — gave way. Dolphins running back Reggie Bush tweaked his knee, and Jets rookie receiver Stephen Hill aggravated his hamstring at least twice during the second quarter of the game. The field quality is dangerous, especially during a rainstorm. Perhaps Dolphins ownership should invest a few more bucks into improving the field and a few less bucks into luxury suites for Jennifer Lopez and other local celebrities.
My second thought? Now Revis has something to focus his attention on besides his “corporate statements.” Contrary to Revis’ contentions, he’s a professional football player, not a corporation. Now we’ll find out what he really is next summer, whether he’s Darrelle Revis, perennial All-Pro committed to being a Jet for life, or the newest version of Leon Washington, a greedy player coming off an injury who overinflated his price tag and got traded.
My third thought? Maybe if Revis showed up to training camp in August without entertaining any questions regarding his contract status, he would’ve been in tip-top football shape and possibly prevented this season-ending injury. He came into camp with hamstring issues and not one day went by without him discussing his present and future contract status with the media. For every day he invested time, energy and thought on money, he was diverting his time, energy and thought from physical health and proper preparation for the long grind of another season. If you don’t think sideshow issues distract players and teams from on-field performance, look no further than the New Orleans Saints and their all-too-vocal quarterback, Drew Brees. The Saints are reeling at 0-3 and Brees spends more time backtracking from public statements than he does dropping back in the pass pocket. You don’t think delayed issues related to the players’ CBA, BountyGate, revolving head coaches, replacement officials and too much time on Twitter can clutter a person’s mind?
I give you Exhibit D... Did you see how Denver Broncos linebacker Joe Mays hit Texans QB Matt Schaub with such force that he not only blasted off Schaub’s helmet, the impact actually tore a piece of Schaub’s ear away. Yuck! The NFL fined Mays $50K and suspended him without pay for Sunday’s game against Oakland. Guess what? Mays is appealing the fine and suspension. OINK! OINK! OINK! An opposing player lost part of his EAR on account of your hit, Mr. Mays... Do you honestly think your personal financial interests outweigh accountability for permanently disfiguring someone because you’re too stupid to understand “no helmet-to-helmet contact” really means NO HELMET-TO-HELMET CONTACT?! REALLY?!
I finally give you Exhibit E... This week’s champion piggy is none other than Republican Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown. For those who aren’t following every election campaign around the United States, a US senatorial election debate took place in Massachusetts, and Senator Brown unleashed a focused attack on Dr. Elizabeth Warren, his Democratic opponent, for claiming she has Native American ethnicity on her Affirmative Action questionnaire when she interviewed for academic employment at Harvard University’s Law School. Did Senator Brown demonstrate poor taste and a knee-jerk partisan-style attack on Dr. Warren and Affirmative Action in the context of feminism and gender equity? He most certainly did, but I believe Senator Brown has a much bigger issue going on.
Senator Brown is an ass, plain and simple, independent of his political affiliation, gender or ethnicity. Our nation’s capitol is full of morons like Scott Brown, Congressman Allen West and Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. West and Bachmann spew nonsense about communists in Congress and President Obama being an American operative for al Qaeda. And let’s not forget dopes like Emmett Brown in the Maryland House of Delegates, who tried to muzzle members of the Baltimore Ravens from publicly supporting Gay Marriage.
So Scott Brown accuses Dr. Warren of committing “employment fraud” during an election debate. Why? Because we all have the right to free speech, for better or worse, and we don’t have laws against smearing those who don’t share our beliefs, affiliations or ideologies. The United States the only nation I know where the initial response to something or someone we don’t agree with is to discredit ideas as “frivolous” and brand people with those ideas as “crackpots.” There is no such thing as respect anymore for individual ideas, views or principles — especially if such ideas, views and principles contradict our own -- and it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about politics, our legal system, discourse within the media, or people coexisting within a community or larger society. Scott Brown felt compelled to firebomb Dr. Warren on statewide TV (and national network TV for posterity), because that’s the first line of offense and defense in order to “win the game.”
Why is Mr. Brown so compelled to do this? Sure, perhaps because he’s playing the role of threatened white affluent male, watching a woman he repeatedly deems unworthy to wash his socks challenge him for his “rightful” place of power in America. Perhaps he’s even indignant because Dr. Warren “used” Affirmative Action to “get ahead” in life while he had to “debase” himself by posing for beefcake photos during college — even though he was very well paid for posing in his skivvies and played it to his popular advantage when he was elected in 2010 to take over the late Ted Kennedy’s seat. There must be more fundamental yet lofty and potentially pathologic related to his attack beyond Ugh! Me tall, handsome white man! Tall handsome white men always get the job!
You see, Mr. Brown considers himself “special”... No, make that exceptional!
Senator Brown really buys into the theory of American Exceptionalism, that he has a royal pedigree that predisposes and predetermines his ultimate station in American society... High national political office. That’s his birthright, because, by golly, he comes from the genetic stock (unaffected by loopy theories like Evolution, of course) G-d always intended to rule our nation. Senator Brown’s the supreme possessor of creator-given inalienable rights — life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In Senator Brown’s eyes, Dr. Warren is some lowly, wretched wench who has no business breathing his air, much less running against him for Senate or teaching America’s best and brightest future attorneys as a professor.
Senator Brown believes Dr. Warren has to resort to “constitutional gimmicks” like Affirmative Action and other civil rights legislation, in order to rise above her creator-given station. She dared to “take advantage of” Affirmative Action because she comes from far too putrid genetic stock to rise on her own. Why? Because Senator Brown’s creator predetermined her station, just like everyone’s station, but by a process less “icky” and weird than India’s caste system. Guess what? Dr. Warren’s predetermined station wasn’t supposed to be a university professor of any kind, much less holder of political office. How does Scott Brown know? Because the US constitution, as written by our forefathers — not our foremothers or forepeople — never mind that our nation’s 16th President, Abraham Lincoln, said our constitution and government were FOR THE PEOPLE... According to folks like Senator Brown, our constitution didn’t explicitly give rights to wenches, not to mention people of color, people of different faiths, people of different languages, people of different sexualities, or people without full physical faculties. Those rights were only given to people like Scott Brown’s forefathers of white Protestant stock. How incredibly repulsive it must be to Scott Brown and his privileged white Protestant heritage that Dr. Warren... A lowly red-skinned squaw... Twisted our constitution to enable her to be on equal footing with him for his elected office!
Jumping Roger Williams! How the hell does some menopausal hag, some thirtieth-generation descendant of Pocahontas, dare to run against me, Lord Scott Brown, Duke of Jockey Underwear, Earl of Cosmo Magazine?!
Can you just imagine the cognitive dissonance going on is this schmuck’s head since his re-election campaign started? He thought the got rid of Dr. Warren in 2010, and she’s back with a vengeance and hot on his heels. Brown supporters are doing Tomahawk Chops like they’re alumni at a Florida State football game, and the polls are in a statistical dead heat with six weeks until election day. The sad and sickening part of all this is that Scott Brown would be freaking out and resorting to ugly hate-based taunts regardless of who his opponent is.
I’ll bet you any amount that if Scott Brown was running against Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye, he’d challenge the World War II veteran to an arm wrestle on national TV. That’s simply the kind of jackass Brown is. In order to remind voters how elevated he is by some divine providence, he must rub “otherness” in the face of his opponent, whether his opponent is a woman, a racial or ethnic minority, or someone who lost their arm during military combat. Don’t scoff... Remember how former Georgia Senator (and VA Director) Max Cleland, who lost three limbs during the Viet-Nam War, lost re-election in 2002 because his patriotism was questioned after not voting for the War in Iraq? Remember how Massachusetts’ other Senator, John Kerry, was Swift-boated during the 2004 presidential re-election?
I can hear Senator Brown’s voice now as Napoleon the Pig reads the barn house constitution to the rest of the farm animals. Get the picture? Senator Brown must always be “more equal” than anyone else in America, because nobody... Nobody... deserves his position or power, and nobody... Nobody... dare redistribute that power, because such power is only befitting a pig like Scott Brown. OINK! OINK! OINK!
The sad irony is that many of us didn’t know of Dr. Warren’s Native American roots, and rather than the distinction being an interesting and intriguing conversation piece, Senator Brown tried to turn it into some dirty secret, a “gotcha” moment to frighten American voters.
This reminds me of a very cheeky dialogue from the opening scene of Blazing Saddles, where railroad workers in 1876 Colorado encounter possible quicksand along the planned route. Project Foreman Mr. Taggart (played by the late Slim Pickens) informs his right-hand man, Lyle (played by Burton Gilliam) to check out the troublesome area ahead. Lyle offers to round up a team of horses, and Mr. Taggart admonishes him: “Horses?! We can’t afford to lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of n____rs.” Accordingly, Lyle chooses our movie’s hero, Bart (played by the late Cleavon Little) and his buddy Charlie (played by the late Charles McGregor). Bart interrupts Lyle and says: “Sir... Sir, he specifically requested two n____rs. Well, to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch!”
How did we get from 1974 and the ability to find comedy within our melting pot of heritages to 2012 where one’s diversity from pure whiteness is potentially the crime of the century?!
It’s because of this epidemic of people who are incapable of tolerating difference, diversity and heterogeneity, and those pathological people honestly believe their kind set first foot on American soil and built this nation with nothing but blessings from heaven. The rest of us, and we know who we are, because we’re among each other, we’re the outsiders, the intruders, the demographic impurities.
Fact, I’m legally, physically and permanently disabled. That’s no longer a surprise after all the years you’ve been reading my columns. We all know I qualify as an “other” in Mitt Romney’s and Scott Brown’s America. Well, guess what? I’ve always been an “other” since the day I was born. My fellow readers, I give you Exhibit F... A century old photo of my paternal grandfather, Barnett Pushkin.
No, we’re not just among the 47 percent Mitt Romney sees no use for heading towards November 6th — we’re the expendable ones in times of economic crisis and global conflict. We’re among those who weren’t fortunate enough to obtain draft deferments during the Viet Nam War and were sent to be maimed and die in rice patties while Governor Romney obtained a Mormon exemption so he could participate in protests in favor of the war and draft while men his own age were forced to leave home, family and college educations for Paris Island and Saigon. When the stress of saber rattling became too much for the governor, he relocated to the beaches of southern France to unwind, perhaps open new bank accounts, and bask in privilege.
The war ended while I was still in high school, but cousins and colleagues of mine served in Viet-Nam. They didn’t have the option of Southern France. They had the options of service, jail, or defection to Canada. Plenty of our political leaders obtained draft deferments and protested the war and draft from their college campuses during the 1960s and 1970s, but they never actively held the door to death and destruction open for others like Mitt Romney did. There’s a definite difference between saving one’s bacon and tying your neighbor on the barbeque spit. OINK! OINK! OINK!
Again, what kind of warped and sick principles do certain people have while they seek election to the highest levels of public office? Doesn’t this affect us enough to stay as far away from their names on the ballot as possible, or have we become beholden to them and the crap they’re selling us at every campaign appearance?
It’s a shame this column wasn’t about something more trivial like overeating and portion control. As Election Day draws nearer and nearer, I’m not sure whether to reach for a bag of chips for cheap comfort or an upchuck bag to relieve me of the progressive nausea American politics gives me. Then again, our increasingly selfish society always makes me a tad queasy.
