Tonight’s Vikings-Eagles game is brought to you by the triad, trinity and confluence of the NFL, the current NFL television contract, and Mother Nature. Well, it’s a shame common sense didn’t have a complete contribution... If common sense did, then perhaps we wouldn’t be talking about a Tuesday night game on NBC, and perhaps we would still be discussing how NBC and FOX Sports executives demonstrated maximum cooperation and creativity while adjusting game times and network coverage on the fly in the face of a major nor’easter snowstorm that dumped 20-30 inches over most of the Philadelphia to New York City corridor.
Were the NFL and the city of Philadelphia smart for not wanting more than 70,000 Eagles fans, many likely inebriated, potentially stranded at Lincoln Financial Field around 11:00pm Sunday night while a winter storm rendered roads impassable for motor vehicles? Yes, they were. Given the magnitude of the storm and weather forecasts, the safety of that many football fans needed to be considered relative to kickoff. However, postponing the game until tonight was not necessarily the best collective decision made, and possibly forcing the Eagles to play three games over the next twelve days (okay, so these will be the twelve post-nights of x-mas), albeit a big issue, wasn’t even the top issue.
Let’s revisit the timeline of events relative to how the decision for tonight’s game came to be. In case you forgot, December is Flex Scheduling time for the NFL, NBC, CBS, and FOX. The NFL goes to Flex Scheduling in order to spare NBC from presenting too may unattractive games during their primetime Sunday slot. In the original NFL schedule, Sunday night’s regular season finale was supposed to provide viewers the San Diego Chargers at the Cincinnati Bengals, two teams who made last year’s AFC playoffs but were both unlikely to make this year’s postseason field due to poor starts. The 8-6 Chargers started their customary 2-5, and still trailed the Kansas City Chiefs (9-5) by one game despite winning six of their past seven games. Thanks to a ten-game losing streak, the Bengals were 3-11. The only matchup feared worse than Chargers-Bengals could’ve been Lions-Dolphins, for also-ran’s sake.
Both NBC and the NFL feared an uncompetitive or “dog” game, and switched Chargers-Bengals with Vikings-Eagles, despite the 5-9 Vikings playing out the string against 10-4 Eagles. Everyone was right about an uncompetitive game, but the teams needed to be reversed; the Bengals won 34-20, and the game wasn’t as close as the score indicated.
Speaking of dogs...
On the other hand, the Eagles were fresh off their wild 38-31 comeback victory over the New York Giants at the Meadowlands, and Michael Vick games produce BIG television ratings compared to any other team the past 10 weeks of the season, including two weeks ago when the Eagles beat the Dallas Cowboys 30-27, in Texas. Tonight’s game will be the Eagles’ SIXTH time on primetime television most in the NFL, the maximum permitted. Not only do we get another Michael Vick doggie-gate story rehashed. While the Vikings are 5-9, they are considered a better draw and offer more fight than some 3-11 team, right? Oh... Those back-to-back snow-afflicted home losses to the Giants and Bears by a combined 61-17? Not to worry... The Vikings are still a much more entertaining story for television than the Bengals, albeit as a Greek tragedy or Shakespearian comedy.
Although not necessarily part of the original thought process for Sunday night, tonight now adds a miniscule but potential bonus: the NFL unwittingly gave Brett Favre, history’s all-time Hamlet, two extra days to recover from a concussion (assuming he passes a neurological test today... To cognate, or not to cognate. That is his question!) and perhaps add to the traveling circus of his presumed final season with another possible start at QB, perhaps his very last on primetime television.
So, everyone’s happy, right? Well, um... No!
Editorial note: For the record, I like a Tuesday night NFL game... Anything to bump The Biggest Loser off NBC’s primetime schedule is fine by me! If I want to see fat people work up a sweat on television, they should be wearing shoulder pads and helmets.
There are Eagles fans, notably former Philadelphia mayor and current Pennsylvania governor, Ed Rendell, upset that the Eagles are playing a game Tuesday night, perhaps throwing personal weekday plans into chaos, and let’s not forget the possibility looming for the Eagles playing three games within twelve days, if the Eagles fail to clinch a first-round playoff bye. Never mind the Eagles have clinched the NFC Eastern division crown without having to play, thanks to the Giants inspiring 45-17 loss in Green Bay to the Packers (more on this later).
Memo to the governor:
Eddie, bubella, could you kinda tone down the rhetoric about comparing American wusses to Chinese ass-kickers? Oh, and by the way, even I, a former chemistry and physics professor, can’t walk and do calculus at the same time (unless it’s a simple derivative or integral)!
There are football purists and commentators on several radio stations and sports television networks who think postponing a professional football game for 48 hours because of snow is ridiculous. Football in December is meant to be played in snow (ask the Vikings, who lost use of their domed stadium for the past two weeks), and if NBC and the NFL really cared about fan and vehicle safety after a game, they would’ve scheduled Lions-Dolphins from Miami, and banned alcohol sales. More than one commentator thought the NFL was incredulous for this level of concern.
Is anyone mentally fast-forwarding to February 2014 and Super Bowl XLVIII at the Meadowlands?
The real outrage should be directed at the NFL for not simply moving the Vikings-Eagles game back to 1:00pm EST Sunday, the original slot, and shifting one of the 4:00pm games to 8:30pm Sunday night, and trading TV announcer teams or swapping network coverage. Or, the NFL could’ve gotten away with switching the Vikings-Eagles game to 4:00pm while still swapping one of the 4:00pm games to 8:30pm.
The storm’s full brunt didn’t really hit Philadelphia until after 6:00pm, the impact was less than forecasted, and nowhere close to what the New York City area got. Local Eagles fans could’ve easily attended a 1:00pm game and gotten home safely during a 4:00-6:00pm window, or they could’ve attended a 4:00pm game and still gotten home safely during a 7:00-9:00pm window. Either way would’ve been more preferable than an 11:00pm-1:00am window, which will still be the case tonight. Although snowfall and unplowed roads won’t be an issue, fans still have to worry about black ice on roads after melted snow refreezes several hours after sunset.
The NFL “couldn’t” shift the Vikings-Eagles game to Monday, because ESPN got in a tizzy about having another primetime game opposite it, like the Giants-Vikings game two weeks ago. Why? Unlike Giants-Vikings, which was a regional FOX broadcast for the New York and Minnesota television markets, Vikings-Eagles was slotted to be a nationally broadcasted game. Because NBC “had” to preserve its primetime slot for week 16, the league decided to shift Vikings-Eagles to Tuesday night.
For all who thought the NFL, NBC and ESPN were approaching this situation from purely altruistic concerns... Ha! It all boiled down to MONEY and television ratings. The fans wanted the game on Sunday. The players wanted the game on Sunday. League and network executives wanted what was best for the bottom line. Nationalistic rhetoric aside, Governor Rendell argued that the NFL and NBC should have left the final decision to the Eagles and their local fans. The Vikings and Eagles could’ve played their game in an almost empty stadium, advising their fans to either take extreme caution driving to the stadium or simply stay home and watch it on television. The game was already sold out, so there was never a concern about a local television blackout.
It’s one thing to sit and criticize. It’s another to offer a plausible solution for future reference.
I happened to be in Philadelphia this past weekend, and was made aware of the pending storm around 7:00pm Saturday evening. By that hour, the changed weather news was well-known and continuously broadcasted since early Saturday afternoon. Whether the new storm projections were 100 percent accurate or not, decision-makers relative to the Vikings-Eagles game knew of a potential issue at least 30 hours prior to kickoff.
If I knew 30 hours ahead that a major storm could create travel chaos to and from a stadium, I would’ve immediately contacted the Vikings and Eagles organizations, as well as executives at NBC and FOX Sports, and ordered the game kickoff to be 1:00pm EST as a FOX regional game. I then would order FOX to pick one of its 1:00pm or 4:00pm games, where winter weather would not be an issue, and shift it to 8:30pm.
Why FOX Sports and not CBS? Because the Vikings are an NFC team, and FOX has exclusive rights to all Sunday afternoon games where NFC teams are the visitor, one would need to do an equivalent switch in terms of broadcast announcer teams.
FOX was broadcasting the following games on Sunday afternoon:
1:00pm EST: San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions at Miami Dolphins, and Washington Redskins at Jacksonville Jaguars
4:00pm EST: Seattle Seahawks at Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and New York Giants at Green Bay Packers
Four of the five games had playoff implications, so none of these games would’ve been totally unattractive to viewers. Considering the Giants-Packers game was supposed to be FOX’s marquee matchup (little did anyone expect a 45-17 blowout), FOX could’ve swapped either 49ers-Rams or Redskins-Jaguars with NBC. Given NBC has the Rams at Seattle for next Sunday’s primetime finale, 49ers-Rams might’ve provided football fans a nice introduction to the Rams, 7-8 this year after a combined 6-42 for the 2007-2009 seasons.
Now that NBC, FOX, the Vikings, Eagles, 49ers and Rams all know about switched kickoff times, I would’ve offered the following options to NBC and FOX executives:
1. The NBC Sunday night broadcast team covers Vikings-Eagles for FOX, and the FOX team covers 49ers-Rams for NBC. Both networks already have their own equipment, personnel and announcing teams in place. Only a switch in network satellite feeds is needed.
2. NBC and FOX leave their equipment in place and switch personnel and announcers. In other words, the NBC folks fly Saturday evening from Philadelphia to St. Louis, and the FOX folks fly Saturday evening from St. Louis to Philadelphia. FOX people can use NBC equipment, and NBC people can use FOX equipment.
3. Only swap announcer teams between NBC and FOX, requiring the fewest number of people to transport between St. Louis and Philadelphia on short notice.
In an ideal world, and egos aside, I would hope NBC and FOX chose option number one, the least complicated option. If the NFL negotiates its television network contracts collectively with all of its affiliated networks (NBC, CBS, FOX, ESPN and NFLN), then the most cooperative and creative solution would’ve been for NBC and FOX to help each other out under unusual circumstances. Perhaps Vikings-Eagles and 49ers-Rams both turn out to be three hours of uninspiring football, but imagine the endless chatter among football fans and sports commentators about the day Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth announced a game for FOX, and Kenny Albert, Moose Johnston and Tony Siragusa announced a game for NBC.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Some NFL Stocking Stuffers and Humbug for your X-mas -- Sports Thoughts for December 20, 2010
Recalling ghosts of New York Giants home game collapses to Eagles teams past...
Forget Ebenezer Scrooge! Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking about Herman Edwards (Miracle at the Meadowlands, 1978) and Vai Sikahema (Knockout comeback at the Meadowlands, 1992) as the Giants let a three-touchdown lead go poof in less than eight minutes at the New Meadowlands Stadium. While most Giants fans’ lasting memory of this 38-31 debacle will be red-faced head coach Tom Coughlin racing out to punter Matt Dodge to scold him for punting the ball directly to Philadelphia’s DeSean Jackson with ten seconds left in regulation, my lasting memory is of Eagles head coach Andy Reid on the sideline earlier during the fourth quarter, indecisive of whether to toss the red challenge flag on a catch and fumble by Jackson, trailing 24-10:
Oh... Do I toss the flag, or not? Was DeSean down by contact, or did he commit an Eli-type fumble? Oh... What to do, what to do... Why isn’t anyone upstairs giving me guidance?! This decision may cost us the divisional title...
Approximately one hour later:
I knew we had them exactly where we wanted them. All that non-challenge did was stall the inevitable and make things a little spicy for the FOX Network.
C’mon... Think about it... If Reid challenged the fumble call, it most likely would’ve been overturned. The Eagles would’ve kept possession and possibly continued to move the ball on the Giants defense and score. Instead, the Giants gained possession, drove downfield for an apparently clinching touchdown and 31-10 lead with approximately seven and a half minutes left in regulation. Approximately three minutes later, the Eagles scored on two long touchdown plays, sandwiched around a perfectly executed onside kick by David Akers, to close the gap to 31-24.
Think about it... If Reid tossed that challenge flag, the Eagles could’ve possibly been up 31-24 instead of behind. The fact that the Giants failed to move the ball and drain enough of the clock on their last two offensive drives is irrelevant. The fact that the Eagles scored touchdowns after each of those stalled Giants drives is irrelevant. The Giants didn’t lose this game on Dodge’s ill-advised punt. They lost this game as soon as they put a comfortable defense on the field after kicking off to the Eagles at 31-10. From that point on, the Giants forgot how to tackle, how to contain quarterback Michael Vick, how to hound all of Vick’s receivers, and forgot how to stay motivated enough to close the deal. In barely seven minutes, the Eagles scorched the Giants for 215 yards of offense and 28 points. Jackson’s 65-yard punt return, after initially muffing it, was simply the cruel capper of a complete Giants meltdown.
Many a beat writer had been warning sports fans all week long leading up to this game... SPEED KILLS. The Giants played a wonderful game for approximately 52 minutes. It didn’t take very long for the Eagles to explode with a Blitzkrieg not seen since Hitler’s troops rolled into Poland. As for Giants Stadium archives, we haven’t seen an ambush so swift and decisive since Vai Sikahema used a goal post as a punching bag back in 1992. Do the Giants recover from this kind of game and make it to the playoffs? Yes, they can, but who really knows what the team’s psyche will be going into Green Bay next Sunday. The Packers weren’t expected to be much of a challenge to the Patriots in New England last night, with starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers sidelined with a concussion. Surprise, surprise... The Pats barely outlasted a very feisty Packers team and back-up quarterback Matt Flynn, 31-27. If Rodgers returns next Sunday, the Packers could be even more feisty and inspired. For all the problems the Packers have endured with mounting injuries, last night’s game provided a good reason why many (including me) considered them a viable Super Bowl representative in the NFC.
Speaking of team psyche, can we please stop that idiotic mantra of “Same old Jets”?! No, a 22-17 win over the Steelers in Pittsburgh doesn’t solve all problems for the New York Jets, or wash away the stench of one too many embarrassing incidents this season, most recently the chorus line orchestration by suspended strength and conditioning coach Sal Aliso (now remember boys... One, two, three, trip! Bend the knees! Turn and cough, “Patriots do it too!”). Hey! Jets fans! I’m talking to YOU! Yeah, YOU! Come down from that ledge... And DON’T pick up the phone to call into your local sports radio station!
Yes, the Jets have finally managed to win a tenth game of the regular season before the final week, the first time since 2004. Did they clinch a playoff berth yet? No, but they are inching closer and still control their own destiny. According to the NFL, the Jets could’ve clinched at least a wild card berth with a win, and losses by the Miami Dolphins, Indianapolis Colts, and either the Kansas City Chiefs or San Diego Chargers. Well, so far, only the Dolphins obliged, laying a 17-14 egg at home to the Buffalo Bills.
All those shocked the Dolphins lost at home yesterday to the Bills, stand on your heads. If you’ve been following the Dolphins all season, you’d know they’re the first team in NFL history to have a 6-1 road record and 1-6 home record in the same season. That’s 7-7, folks, the classic definition of inconsistency and mediocrity. In fact, the Dolphins are so inconsistent.... er, make that consistently mediocre... that they’ve followed the following pattern since starting the season 2-0 with wins at Buffalo and Minnesota:
Consecutive home losses to the Jets and New England Patriots
Win at Green Bay
Lose at home to the Steelers
Win at Cincinnati
Lose at Baltimore
Win at home over Tennessee
Lose at home to Chicago
Win at Oakland
Lose at home to Cleveland
Win at the Jets
Lose at home to Buffalo
FYI: Next Sunday the Dolphins host the Detroit Lions, proud 23-20 winners, in overtime, at Tampa Bay, finally breaking a 26-game road losing streak. To put things in perspective, the last time the Lions won a game on the road was 16-7 over the Bears in Chicago, October 28, 2007 (ironically, that was also their last win against NFC North opponents, prior to last week’s 7-3 home win against the Packers, a streak of 19 games). In case you’re counting, that’s now one win each within the division and on the road during the Obama administration! Bet on this game at your own peril...
Speaking of Minnesota, folks seem to be all aquiver over tonight’s Bears-Vikings game in the University of Minnesota’s outdoor stadium. No dome! Oh my! Oh puleeze... From 1961 to 1981, the Vikings played their home games at old Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington, a notorious frozen wasteland if ever there was. December in Minnesota means winter, snow, and brutal cold. In fact, I’m so confident in the Vikings, I promise you they can’t play any worse outdoors than they did indoors last Monday night at Ford Field in Detroit.
Getting back to the pending playoff berth for the Jets... All the Jets need to do is beat either the Bears next Sunday in Chicago, or the Bills at home January 2, and they will be at least a wild card entry at 11-5, a record most experts predicted before the season began. What about the Jets’ AFC competition with regards to tie-breakers? Well, given the Dolphins loss to the Bills, this leaves only the Colts, Chiefs, and Chargers to worry about. So, let’s take a quick look at each potential AFC playoff team’s remaining schedule (we can exclude the Patriots, as they clinched a berth last week after beating the Bears 36-7):
Jets (10-4 overall, 8-3 within AFC):
at Chicago (12/26), vs. Buffalo (1/2)
Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4 overall, 8-3 within AFC):
vs. Carolina (12/23), at Cleveland (1/2)
Baltimore Ravens (10-4 overall, 7-3 within AFC):
at Cleveland (12/26), vs. Cincinnati (1/2)
Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6 overall, 7-4 within AFC):
vs. Washington (12/26), at Houston (1/2)
Indianapolis Colts (8-6 overall, 6-4 within AFC):
at Oakland (12/26), vs. Tennessee (1/2)
Kansas City Chiefs (9-5 overall, 5-5 within AFC):
vs. Tennessee (12/26), vs. Oakland (1/2)
San Diego Chargers (8-6 overall, 6-4 within AFC):
at Cincinnati (12/26), at Denver (1/2)
Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s assume all hell breaks lose, and the Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Jaguars, Colts, Chiefs, and Chargers all end up with identical10-6 records when the dust finally settles after January 2. The first tie-breaker is decided within the division to award titles in the AFC North, South and West divisions. Please note that, despite their loss to the Jets, the Steelers have clinched a playoff berth on the basis of a strength of schedule tie-breaker (Steelers opponents are a combined 96-86 so far this season).
If the Steelers and Ravens each end up 10-6, this means both teams would also be 8-4 within the AFC. Each beat the other at the other team’s stadium. However, the Steelers would win the tie-breaker on the basis of a 4-2 record within the northern division; the Ravens would be 2-4.
If the Jaguars and Colts each end up 10-6, this means both teams would be 8-4 within the AFC as well. Each team beat the other at home. Each team would also be 4-2 within the AFC South. However, as discussed in last week’s column, the Colts would win the tie-breaker on the basis of a better won-loss record against common opponents (9-5 vs. 8-6).
If the Chiefs and Chargers each end up 10-6, this means both teams could also be 3-3 within the AFC West (if the Chiefs beat the Raiders January 2). If that’s the case, however, the Chargers would not only have the better record within the AFC (8-4 vs. 6-6), they’d also have the better record against common opponents (9-5 vs. 8-6). If the Chiefs lose their finale against the Raiders, but beat the Titans instead, they’d not only still have a worse record against common opponents as well as within the AFC, they’d also have the worse record within the division (2-4 vs. 3-3). So, as discussed in last week’s column, one Kansas City loss is all the Chargers need to take the divisional crown.
So... Let’s assume the Steelers, Colts, and Chargers all win their divisions, leaving the Jets, Ravens, Jaguars, and Chiefs to fend for two wild card berths. Since all four teams play in different divisions, the first tie-breaker involves won-loss records within the AFC. The Jets, Ravens and Jaguars would all have 8-4 records; the Chiefs would be eliminated with a 6-6 record (HELLO?! We already knew one loss by the Chiefs would clinch a playoff berth for the Jets).
However, we now need to go to the next tie-breaker, won-loss record against common opponents, in order to eliminate one more team among the Jets, Ravens and Jaguars. It just so happens that the Jets, Ravens and Jaguars all played the Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills, Houston Texans, and Denver Broncos. The Jets would be 4-1 (assuming they lose January 2 to the Bills), the Ravens would also be 4-1 (assuming they lose December 26 to the Browns), and the Jaguars would be 5-0 (assuming they beat the Texans January 2), hence giving them the first wild card berth
That means the final wild card berth boils down to the Ravens and Jets, and since the Ravens beat the Jets 10-9 in week one, that would eliminate the Jets from any playoff berth. So, hyper-neurotic Jets fans, the only way (I hope) the Jets will NOT make the playoffs is if all of the following events take place:
1. The Jets lose to both the Bears and Bills.
2. The Steelers lose to the Panthers and Browns.
3. The Ravens lose to the Browns and Bengals.
4. The Colts beat the Raiders and Titans.
5. The Jaguars beat the Redskins and Texans.
6. The Chargers beat the Bengals and Broncos.
7. The Chiefs lose to either the Titans or Raiders.
So, to make things simple, here’s what the Jets need to do to prevent countless suicides in the New York Metropolitan region... WIN ONE MORE GAME! If not, well... You see how the apocalypse can fall into place.
Here are a few more interesting tidbits as a final holiday garnish:
For those paying attention to the NFC West, not only is it a distinct possibility the divisional champion will have a 7-9 record, the possibility remains for a three-way tie at 7-9 between the St. Louis Rams, Seattle Seahawks and San Francisco 49ers. In the event of a three-way tie, only possible if the 49ers beat both the Rams and Arizona Cardinals, the Rams beat the Seahawks in the season finale, and the Seahawks beat the Buccaneers in Tampa next week (hey, if the Lions can...), the 49ers would win the divisional title on the basis of a 5-1 record within the division. For those of us who predicted the 49ers would win this division as the best of the lot, at least we can hang our hats on the fact that they dominated within the division. Two-way ties at 7-9 are also possible.
It is possible for either the Rams or Seahawks — but not both — to win the division with an 8-8 record, sparing history’s first-ever NFL divisional champ with a sub-.500 record.
7-9 is the worst possible record anyone will have as champion of the NFC West. No matter how hard each team tries, it mathematically impossible for all four teams to finish tied at 6-10, thanks to all four teams playing against each other at least once during the last two weeks of the regular season.
Since a 6-10 record cannot possibly win the NFC West, the Arizona Cardinals are official eliminated from playoff contention and their reign of divisional titles ends at two seasons.
The NFC West is the only division where a sub-.500 playoff team is possible. No matter how much anyone hopes and prays, the Dallas Cowboys and Minnesota Vikings, two of the NFC’s most talent-laden teams, are officially eliminated from playoff contention and kaput for 2010.
As strange as it sounds, the 10-4 Philadelphia Eagles and 10-4 New Orleans Saints can still conceivably miss the NFC playoffs.
After last year’s 3-13 nightmare, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 8-6 are still very much in the NFC playoff hunt.
Finally, please mull over one last sports cliché as it applies to the approaching post-season (with apologies to any Michael Vick haters): When handicapping a dog fight, it’s not necessarily the dog in the fight that counts, but the fight in the dog. For all the doomsayers about the Jets first nine wins being less than impressive, take serious note about their tenth — it was the tenth time, and eighth in ten games, that the Jets played a game decided by less than ten points. Their record in these ten games? 7-3. Do the Jets win the close ones? It’s certainly been the case most of this season.
Why is this important? As football teams grind through the final weeks towards the playoffs, the weather gets nastier and the games get tougher. The Jets are battle-tested, and it showed as they outlasted the Steelers in Heinz Field, a place they had never won before. Now the Jets are an NFL-best 6-1 on the road. Experts said the Jets couldn’t run on the Steelers defense. The Jets ran for 106 yards on 27 carries, including an impressive play-fake seven-yard bootleg Mark Sanchez scored a key touchdown on. Sanchez wasn’t supposed to be able to play composed in cold weather. He went 19 for 29 for 170 yards (no touchdowns or interceptions). Their defense wasn’t supposed to be able to withstand Pittsburgh’s physical offense. The defense bent but didn’t break, holding the Steelers scoreless the last 21 minutes of the game, as well as scoring a fourth-quarter safety. The Jets weren’t expected to have any resiliency left. Not only did they score on the opening kickoff, they outscored the Steelers 12-0 over the last 21 minutes.
In case you’re handicapping the AFC playoff teams, consider this: only the Ravens have played in more close games than the Jets. Their 30-24 win over the Saints yesterday was the 11th game decided by less than ten points, and fifth in six games. The Ravens record in close games? 7-4. As for the Steelers? Their loss to the Jets was their eighth game decided by less than ten points, but only their third since Thanksgiving. Their record in close games? 6-2.
How about the hottest teams in the AFC, the Patriots and Chargers? The Patriots win over Green Bay (their sixth straight) was only their fifth game decided by less than ten points. Granted, their record in close games is 5-0, but the Pats hadn’t played a white-knuckler since beating the Colts 31-28 just before Thanksgiving, and you have to go back to the middle of October (weeks 6 and 7) for the last time they played a tight game, beating the Ravens and Chargers by identical 23-20 scores. For the Chargers (6-1 since Halloween, week 8), they’ve only played seven games decided by less than ten points, and none since a week nine 29-23 win at Houston. The Chargers record in close games? 2-5.
Might these close games be a factor over the next several weeks? Perhaps. When teams are used to winning in blowouts, tight games potentially make such teams uptight and prone to blink in tough, close playoff games where every possession and mistake becomes magnified. For the Patriots, a tough game with the Packers probably did wonders for their preparation for the playoffs. However, one little factoid may be telling in terms of hedging bets against the Patriots returning to the Super Bowl — the Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills have played in ten and nine, respectively, games decided by less than ten points, a combined four games decided in overtime. While the Browns are 3-7 and the Bills are 3-6 in close games, it should be noted that the Browns handed the Patriots their worst loss of the season (34-14, week 9), and the Bills rang up the second-most points on the Patriots in any game (30, week 3). Beating up the competition is certainly impressive, but surviving a dog fight may be even more impressive once the calendar turns to January.
So, as teams continue to dash through the snow towards the playoffs, now’s the time to pay more attention to heart than style points.
Forget Ebenezer Scrooge! Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking about Herman Edwards (Miracle at the Meadowlands, 1978) and Vai Sikahema (Knockout comeback at the Meadowlands, 1992) as the Giants let a three-touchdown lead go poof in less than eight minutes at the New Meadowlands Stadium. While most Giants fans’ lasting memory of this 38-31 debacle will be red-faced head coach Tom Coughlin racing out to punter Matt Dodge to scold him for punting the ball directly to Philadelphia’s DeSean Jackson with ten seconds left in regulation, my lasting memory is of Eagles head coach Andy Reid on the sideline earlier during the fourth quarter, indecisive of whether to toss the red challenge flag on a catch and fumble by Jackson, trailing 24-10:
Oh... Do I toss the flag, or not? Was DeSean down by contact, or did he commit an Eli-type fumble? Oh... What to do, what to do... Why isn’t anyone upstairs giving me guidance?! This decision may cost us the divisional title...
Approximately one hour later:
I knew we had them exactly where we wanted them. All that non-challenge did was stall the inevitable and make things a little spicy for the FOX Network.
C’mon... Think about it... If Reid challenged the fumble call, it most likely would’ve been overturned. The Eagles would’ve kept possession and possibly continued to move the ball on the Giants defense and score. Instead, the Giants gained possession, drove downfield for an apparently clinching touchdown and 31-10 lead with approximately seven and a half minutes left in regulation. Approximately three minutes later, the Eagles scored on two long touchdown plays, sandwiched around a perfectly executed onside kick by David Akers, to close the gap to 31-24.
Think about it... If Reid tossed that challenge flag, the Eagles could’ve possibly been up 31-24 instead of behind. The fact that the Giants failed to move the ball and drain enough of the clock on their last two offensive drives is irrelevant. The fact that the Eagles scored touchdowns after each of those stalled Giants drives is irrelevant. The Giants didn’t lose this game on Dodge’s ill-advised punt. They lost this game as soon as they put a comfortable defense on the field after kicking off to the Eagles at 31-10. From that point on, the Giants forgot how to tackle, how to contain quarterback Michael Vick, how to hound all of Vick’s receivers, and forgot how to stay motivated enough to close the deal. In barely seven minutes, the Eagles scorched the Giants for 215 yards of offense and 28 points. Jackson’s 65-yard punt return, after initially muffing it, was simply the cruel capper of a complete Giants meltdown.
Many a beat writer had been warning sports fans all week long leading up to this game... SPEED KILLS. The Giants played a wonderful game for approximately 52 minutes. It didn’t take very long for the Eagles to explode with a Blitzkrieg not seen since Hitler’s troops rolled into Poland. As for Giants Stadium archives, we haven’t seen an ambush so swift and decisive since Vai Sikahema used a goal post as a punching bag back in 1992. Do the Giants recover from this kind of game and make it to the playoffs? Yes, they can, but who really knows what the team’s psyche will be going into Green Bay next Sunday. The Packers weren’t expected to be much of a challenge to the Patriots in New England last night, with starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers sidelined with a concussion. Surprise, surprise... The Pats barely outlasted a very feisty Packers team and back-up quarterback Matt Flynn, 31-27. If Rodgers returns next Sunday, the Packers could be even more feisty and inspired. For all the problems the Packers have endured with mounting injuries, last night’s game provided a good reason why many (including me) considered them a viable Super Bowl representative in the NFC.
Speaking of team psyche, can we please stop that idiotic mantra of “Same old Jets”?! No, a 22-17 win over the Steelers in Pittsburgh doesn’t solve all problems for the New York Jets, or wash away the stench of one too many embarrassing incidents this season, most recently the chorus line orchestration by suspended strength and conditioning coach Sal Aliso (now remember boys... One, two, three, trip! Bend the knees! Turn and cough, “Patriots do it too!”). Hey! Jets fans! I’m talking to YOU! Yeah, YOU! Come down from that ledge... And DON’T pick up the phone to call into your local sports radio station!
Yes, the Jets have finally managed to win a tenth game of the regular season before the final week, the first time since 2004. Did they clinch a playoff berth yet? No, but they are inching closer and still control their own destiny. According to the NFL, the Jets could’ve clinched at least a wild card berth with a win, and losses by the Miami Dolphins, Indianapolis Colts, and either the Kansas City Chiefs or San Diego Chargers. Well, so far, only the Dolphins obliged, laying a 17-14 egg at home to the Buffalo Bills.
All those shocked the Dolphins lost at home yesterday to the Bills, stand on your heads. If you’ve been following the Dolphins all season, you’d know they’re the first team in NFL history to have a 6-1 road record and 1-6 home record in the same season. That’s 7-7, folks, the classic definition of inconsistency and mediocrity. In fact, the Dolphins are so inconsistent.... er, make that consistently mediocre... that they’ve followed the following pattern since starting the season 2-0 with wins at Buffalo and Minnesota:
Consecutive home losses to the Jets and New England Patriots
Win at Green Bay
Lose at home to the Steelers
Win at Cincinnati
Lose at Baltimore
Win at home over Tennessee
Lose at home to Chicago
Win at Oakland
Lose at home to Cleveland
Win at the Jets
Lose at home to Buffalo
FYI: Next Sunday the Dolphins host the Detroit Lions, proud 23-20 winners, in overtime, at Tampa Bay, finally breaking a 26-game road losing streak. To put things in perspective, the last time the Lions won a game on the road was 16-7 over the Bears in Chicago, October 28, 2007 (ironically, that was also their last win against NFC North opponents, prior to last week’s 7-3 home win against the Packers, a streak of 19 games). In case you’re counting, that’s now one win each within the division and on the road during the Obama administration! Bet on this game at your own peril...
Speaking of Minnesota, folks seem to be all aquiver over tonight’s Bears-Vikings game in the University of Minnesota’s outdoor stadium. No dome! Oh my! Oh puleeze... From 1961 to 1981, the Vikings played their home games at old Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington, a notorious frozen wasteland if ever there was. December in Minnesota means winter, snow, and brutal cold. In fact, I’m so confident in the Vikings, I promise you they can’t play any worse outdoors than they did indoors last Monday night at Ford Field in Detroit.
Getting back to the pending playoff berth for the Jets... All the Jets need to do is beat either the Bears next Sunday in Chicago, or the Bills at home January 2, and they will be at least a wild card entry at 11-5, a record most experts predicted before the season began. What about the Jets’ AFC competition with regards to tie-breakers? Well, given the Dolphins loss to the Bills, this leaves only the Colts, Chiefs, and Chargers to worry about. So, let’s take a quick look at each potential AFC playoff team’s remaining schedule (we can exclude the Patriots, as they clinched a berth last week after beating the Bears 36-7):
Jets (10-4 overall, 8-3 within AFC):
at Chicago (12/26), vs. Buffalo (1/2)
Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4 overall, 8-3 within AFC):
vs. Carolina (12/23), at Cleveland (1/2)
Baltimore Ravens (10-4 overall, 7-3 within AFC):
at Cleveland (12/26), vs. Cincinnati (1/2)
Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6 overall, 7-4 within AFC):
vs. Washington (12/26), at Houston (1/2)
Indianapolis Colts (8-6 overall, 6-4 within AFC):
at Oakland (12/26), vs. Tennessee (1/2)
Kansas City Chiefs (9-5 overall, 5-5 within AFC):
vs. Tennessee (12/26), vs. Oakland (1/2)
San Diego Chargers (8-6 overall, 6-4 within AFC):
at Cincinnati (12/26), at Denver (1/2)
Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s assume all hell breaks lose, and the Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Jaguars, Colts, Chiefs, and Chargers all end up with identical10-6 records when the dust finally settles after January 2. The first tie-breaker is decided within the division to award titles in the AFC North, South and West divisions. Please note that, despite their loss to the Jets, the Steelers have clinched a playoff berth on the basis of a strength of schedule tie-breaker (Steelers opponents are a combined 96-86 so far this season).
If the Steelers and Ravens each end up 10-6, this means both teams would also be 8-4 within the AFC. Each beat the other at the other team’s stadium. However, the Steelers would win the tie-breaker on the basis of a 4-2 record within the northern division; the Ravens would be 2-4.
If the Jaguars and Colts each end up 10-6, this means both teams would be 8-4 within the AFC as well. Each team beat the other at home. Each team would also be 4-2 within the AFC South. However, as discussed in last week’s column, the Colts would win the tie-breaker on the basis of a better won-loss record against common opponents (9-5 vs. 8-6).
If the Chiefs and Chargers each end up 10-6, this means both teams could also be 3-3 within the AFC West (if the Chiefs beat the Raiders January 2). If that’s the case, however, the Chargers would not only have the better record within the AFC (8-4 vs. 6-6), they’d also have the better record against common opponents (9-5 vs. 8-6). If the Chiefs lose their finale against the Raiders, but beat the Titans instead, they’d not only still have a worse record against common opponents as well as within the AFC, they’d also have the worse record within the division (2-4 vs. 3-3). So, as discussed in last week’s column, one Kansas City loss is all the Chargers need to take the divisional crown.
So... Let’s assume the Steelers, Colts, and Chargers all win their divisions, leaving the Jets, Ravens, Jaguars, and Chiefs to fend for two wild card berths. Since all four teams play in different divisions, the first tie-breaker involves won-loss records within the AFC. The Jets, Ravens and Jaguars would all have 8-4 records; the Chiefs would be eliminated with a 6-6 record (HELLO?! We already knew one loss by the Chiefs would clinch a playoff berth for the Jets).
However, we now need to go to the next tie-breaker, won-loss record against common opponents, in order to eliminate one more team among the Jets, Ravens and Jaguars. It just so happens that the Jets, Ravens and Jaguars all played the Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills, Houston Texans, and Denver Broncos. The Jets would be 4-1 (assuming they lose January 2 to the Bills), the Ravens would also be 4-1 (assuming they lose December 26 to the Browns), and the Jaguars would be 5-0 (assuming they beat the Texans January 2), hence giving them the first wild card berth
That means the final wild card berth boils down to the Ravens and Jets, and since the Ravens beat the Jets 10-9 in week one, that would eliminate the Jets from any playoff berth. So, hyper-neurotic Jets fans, the only way (I hope) the Jets will NOT make the playoffs is if all of the following events take place:
1. The Jets lose to both the Bears and Bills.
2. The Steelers lose to the Panthers and Browns.
3. The Ravens lose to the Browns and Bengals.
4. The Colts beat the Raiders and Titans.
5. The Jaguars beat the Redskins and Texans.
6. The Chargers beat the Bengals and Broncos.
7. The Chiefs lose to either the Titans or Raiders.
So, to make things simple, here’s what the Jets need to do to prevent countless suicides in the New York Metropolitan region... WIN ONE MORE GAME! If not, well... You see how the apocalypse can fall into place.
Here are a few more interesting tidbits as a final holiday garnish:
For those paying attention to the NFC West, not only is it a distinct possibility the divisional champion will have a 7-9 record, the possibility remains for a three-way tie at 7-9 between the St. Louis Rams, Seattle Seahawks and San Francisco 49ers. In the event of a three-way tie, only possible if the 49ers beat both the Rams and Arizona Cardinals, the Rams beat the Seahawks in the season finale, and the Seahawks beat the Buccaneers in Tampa next week (hey, if the Lions can...), the 49ers would win the divisional title on the basis of a 5-1 record within the division. For those of us who predicted the 49ers would win this division as the best of the lot, at least we can hang our hats on the fact that they dominated within the division. Two-way ties at 7-9 are also possible.
It is possible for either the Rams or Seahawks — but not both — to win the division with an 8-8 record, sparing history’s first-ever NFL divisional champ with a sub-.500 record.
7-9 is the worst possible record anyone will have as champion of the NFC West. No matter how hard each team tries, it mathematically impossible for all four teams to finish tied at 6-10, thanks to all four teams playing against each other at least once during the last two weeks of the regular season.
Since a 6-10 record cannot possibly win the NFC West, the Arizona Cardinals are official eliminated from playoff contention and their reign of divisional titles ends at two seasons.
The NFC West is the only division where a sub-.500 playoff team is possible. No matter how much anyone hopes and prays, the Dallas Cowboys and Minnesota Vikings, two of the NFC’s most talent-laden teams, are officially eliminated from playoff contention and kaput for 2010.
As strange as it sounds, the 10-4 Philadelphia Eagles and 10-4 New Orleans Saints can still conceivably miss the NFC playoffs.
After last year’s 3-13 nightmare, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 8-6 are still very much in the NFC playoff hunt.
Finally, please mull over one last sports cliché as it applies to the approaching post-season (with apologies to any Michael Vick haters): When handicapping a dog fight, it’s not necessarily the dog in the fight that counts, but the fight in the dog. For all the doomsayers about the Jets first nine wins being less than impressive, take serious note about their tenth — it was the tenth time, and eighth in ten games, that the Jets played a game decided by less than ten points. Their record in these ten games? 7-3. Do the Jets win the close ones? It’s certainly been the case most of this season.
Why is this important? As football teams grind through the final weeks towards the playoffs, the weather gets nastier and the games get tougher. The Jets are battle-tested, and it showed as they outlasted the Steelers in Heinz Field, a place they had never won before. Now the Jets are an NFL-best 6-1 on the road. Experts said the Jets couldn’t run on the Steelers defense. The Jets ran for 106 yards on 27 carries, including an impressive play-fake seven-yard bootleg Mark Sanchez scored a key touchdown on. Sanchez wasn’t supposed to be able to play composed in cold weather. He went 19 for 29 for 170 yards (no touchdowns or interceptions). Their defense wasn’t supposed to be able to withstand Pittsburgh’s physical offense. The defense bent but didn’t break, holding the Steelers scoreless the last 21 minutes of the game, as well as scoring a fourth-quarter safety. The Jets weren’t expected to have any resiliency left. Not only did they score on the opening kickoff, they outscored the Steelers 12-0 over the last 21 minutes.
In case you’re handicapping the AFC playoff teams, consider this: only the Ravens have played in more close games than the Jets. Their 30-24 win over the Saints yesterday was the 11th game decided by less than ten points, and fifth in six games. The Ravens record in close games? 7-4. As for the Steelers? Their loss to the Jets was their eighth game decided by less than ten points, but only their third since Thanksgiving. Their record in close games? 6-2.
How about the hottest teams in the AFC, the Patriots and Chargers? The Patriots win over Green Bay (their sixth straight) was only their fifth game decided by less than ten points. Granted, their record in close games is 5-0, but the Pats hadn’t played a white-knuckler since beating the Colts 31-28 just before Thanksgiving, and you have to go back to the middle of October (weeks 6 and 7) for the last time they played a tight game, beating the Ravens and Chargers by identical 23-20 scores. For the Chargers (6-1 since Halloween, week 8), they’ve only played seven games decided by less than ten points, and none since a week nine 29-23 win at Houston. The Chargers record in close games? 2-5.
Might these close games be a factor over the next several weeks? Perhaps. When teams are used to winning in blowouts, tight games potentially make such teams uptight and prone to blink in tough, close playoff games where every possession and mistake becomes magnified. For the Patriots, a tough game with the Packers probably did wonders for their preparation for the playoffs. However, one little factoid may be telling in terms of hedging bets against the Patriots returning to the Super Bowl — the Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills have played in ten and nine, respectively, games decided by less than ten points, a combined four games decided in overtime. While the Browns are 3-7 and the Bills are 3-6 in close games, it should be noted that the Browns handed the Patriots their worst loss of the season (34-14, week 9), and the Bills rang up the second-most points on the Patriots in any game (30, week 3). Beating up the competition is certainly impressive, but surviving a dog fight may be even more impressive once the calendar turns to January.
So, as teams continue to dash through the snow towards the playoffs, now’s the time to pay more attention to heart than style points.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Is there really an AFC Playoff race this year? -- Sports Thoughts for December 15, 2010
While wondering how the New England Patriots managed to spoil what has been an exciting season...
Yeah, yeah... Rebuilding and reloading season. Ha! Just when it looked like we could be enjoying one of the most wide-open NFL playoff stretches in years, along comes Bill Belichick and his Patriots to ruin everything for us parity fans in a matter of seven days. Last Monday night, the Patriots smacked the smug off the New York Jets faces on national television, and six days later, they waltzed into Soldier Field and smothered the Chicago Bears. In a snowstorm! Seven days, two games, 81-10 combined score. Ouch!
Are there any questions? No? Class dismissed!
So, fellow students of football, what lesson have we learned from the past few weeks? Well, lesson number one is to beware of championship caliber teams after they lay an egg against an inferior opponent. Six weeks ago, the Patriots whipped up a sizable omelet in Cleveland during a 34-14 loss to the Browns. The defense couldn’t stop the run, and the offense was one-dimensional. That was apparently just the wake-up call Belichick’s troops needed as they’ve won five straight over the Steelers, Colts, Lions, Jets and Bears by a composite score of 196-88... That’s an average score of 39-17. As if outscoring opponents by an average of three touchdowns isn’t statement enough, consider that quarterback Tom Brady has tossed 15 touchdowns and zero interceptions over this five-game stretch. In fact, Brady hasn’t tossed an interception since tossing two in a 23-20 week 6 win against the Baltimore Ravens. The touchdown-to-interception tally since? 19 to zero!
How’s this for near perfection? The Patriots rank near the top of the NFL with 20 interceptions and 7 fumble recoveries (a +18 turnover ratio). Despite giving up more yards than they generate, the Patriots score more than any other team and virtually don’t make mistakes (only 4 interceptions and 5 fumbles lost).
Should everyone else in the AFC raise the white flag and concede the Super Bowl berth to New England? As tempting as it is, given the Patriots have already defeated the Jets, Dolphins, Colts, Steelers, Ravens and Chargers, teams all having at least an outside shot still at the playoffs, maybe we should wait and see what January brings. Yes, the Patriots have the NFL’s best record. Yes, the Patriots will likely gain home-field advantage. Yes, the Patriots have won 26 straight regular season games at home. But the Patriots are no less vulnerable than any other playoff contender... After all, you honestly can’t expect them to stay angry much longer and keep winning by three touchdowns, do you? It’s not like this is 2007, right? Right?
I’m a firm believer in “Any given Sunday” (or Saturday night, depending on the television networks), and there are clues to suggest a few AFC playoff teams could upset the Patriots, even at Gillette Stadium. After all, the Ravens knocked the Patriots off their game in last year’s playoffs... And lest we forget the outcome of Super Bowl XLII? Giants 17, Patriots 14. What do both games have in common? Domination of the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, and knocking Tom Brady on his keester.
Granted, neither the Jets nor Bears mounted much resistance against Brady and the passing attack, but each did manage to sack Brady three times. Does this mean anything? It means a defense CAN get to Brady, the Patriots offensive line is not completely air-tight, and if a team consistently commits to rushing the passer, they can eventually get to Brady, get to him often, and dirty his uniform.
Don’t snicker... It’s a known fact that all quarterbacks not named Brett Favre DON’T like getting their uniforms dirty! Exhibit A, I give you Peyton Manning... See how flustered he gets each time his white pants get grass stains? Exhibit B, I give you Tom Brady... Have you ever watched him enough to gauge his emotional level when things are going no so great? Just a thought to ponder...
Oh, and one other thing... Keeping Tom Brady on the sidelines. Nothing like making a quarterback stand around watching the opposing offense grind through his defensive mates and drain time from the clock! The more a team dominates time of possession, the better its chances are of keeping the ball out of number 12’s hands and keeping points off New England’s side of the scoreboard. Has this formula worked before? The Giants certainly worked it like a charm in Super Bowl XLII as well as Super Bowl XXV in 1991, when they beat the “point a minute” Buffalo Bills, 20-19. The Patriots also know how to play this game as well, when they upset the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXVI in 2002, 20-17.
Let’s assume the apocalypse won’t happen and the Jets will manage to right their ship and join the Steelers and Ravens among the playoff pool. Granted, the Patriots have more than exposed flaws in all three defensive units, but all three teams are capable of running the ball with brute force as well as shutting down an opponent’s running game. If the Jets, Steelers or Ravens can take a page from the Browns playbook and spice up the formula a notch, any of these teams could pull it off, even if the Jets lost a great deal of their swagger last Monday night. Rex Ryan may never completely kick Bill Belichick’s derrière, but maybe a swift kick in the shins is all that’s needed under the right circumstances.
What about the AFC South and West divisions? Unless something goes horribly wrong for the Jets, Steelers or Ravens, it’s most likely that the AFC South and West will only be represented by their division champs, while the wild cards come from the AFC East and North. In the South, the question is whether the Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5) can hold on and outlast the Indianapolis Colts (7-6). In the West, we wonder the same for the Kansas City Chiefs (8-5) and the San Diego Chargers (7-6).
In the AFC South, any questions will likely be answered this coming Sunday, when the Colts host the Jaguars. The formula for Jacksonville is simple: beat the Colts, they clinch the AFC South and send the Colts home for an early winter for the first time since 2001. If the Colts revenge the Jaguars for their week 4 31-28 loss in Jacksonville, things get interesting. If the Colts win out (12/26 at Oakland, 1/2 Tennessee), no matter what Jacksonville does in the final two weeks (12/26 vs. Washington, 1/2 at Houston), the Colts win the division on the basis of a better record against common opponents (9-5 vs 8-6).
In fact, for the Jaguars to win the AFC South despite losing to the Colts on Sunday, they need the Colts, at the least, to lose their final game to the Titans, in order to gain the upper-hand in any tie-breaker advantage (W-L record within the division, W-L record against common opponents, W-L record within the conference).
Make sense? Didn’t think so...
In the AFC West, things are a little less clear. The Chiefs (8-5) can simply clinch the divisional title by winning their remaining games (at St. Louis, 12/26 vs. Tennessee, 1/2 vs. Oakland), but things aren’t necessarily simple for the Chiefs, 31-0 losers at San Diego last week, where the offense generated a TOTAL of 67 yards without starting quarterback Matt Cassel (appendectomy). If Cassel recovers and returns, the Chiefs are in good shape. If Cassel isn’t up to par, the final stretch could be tough. The Rams are in contention to win the NFC West and play very well at home. The Raiders are 4-0 within the division; a home finale with a playoff berth at stake doesn’t offer guarantees for the Chiefs.
If the Chiefs lose one of their final three games, the door is wide open for the Chargers (7-6) to claim their fifth straight AFC West crown. To say the final three weeks are laid out perfectly for the Chargers is an understatement: at home vs. San Francisco, 12/26 at Cincinnati, 1/2 at Denver. The combined record of these opponents is 12-27, the Titans are riding a six-game losing streak, and the Bengals are riding a ten-game losing streak. All the Chargers need is to win out and hope for one Kansas City loss, and they can win the division by having a better record against common opponents (9-5 vs 8-6). If the Chiefs lose to Oakland, the Chargers would clinch by having a better record within the division (3-3 vs. 2-4).
Is all doom and gloom if the Chiefs lose once? Yes, unless the Chargers find a way to lose their season finale at Denver, a team they’ve beaten seven of the last nine meetings. Needless to say, the final three weeks provide mutual pressure for both the Chiefs and Chargers. As long as the Chargers keep winning, the pressure is on the Chiefs to win as well. As long as the Chiefs keep winning, the pressure tightens on the Chargers for starting one too many seasons 2-5, perhaps finally paying the price for habitually starting the season slowly, where another awesome November and December may not be good enough.
What does my crystal ball predict? If the Jaguars and Chiefs manage to hang on and win their divisions, both could pose problems for playoff opponents with their solid running games. If the Colts and Chargers manage to cheat the odds and get back into the playoffs, both may face quick exits because of their inconsistent running games and defenses. If we have other combinations of AFC South and West champions, it’s anyone’s guess how they’ll fare hosting perhaps the Ravens and Jets in the wild card round.
As I said back in the beginning of the season, I still think the Ravens and Jets have the right combinations to give fits throughout the playoffs, regardless of playing home or on the road. Do either have enough to make a run through three playoff games, especially through Foxborough? Maybe yes, maybe no. Chances are we’re probably waiting for the inevitable of the Patriots returning to the Super Bowl, but something in the back of my mind tells me it won’t be an easy path.
Yeah, yeah... Rebuilding and reloading season. Ha! Just when it looked like we could be enjoying one of the most wide-open NFL playoff stretches in years, along comes Bill Belichick and his Patriots to ruin everything for us parity fans in a matter of seven days. Last Monday night, the Patriots smacked the smug off the New York Jets faces on national television, and six days later, they waltzed into Soldier Field and smothered the Chicago Bears. In a snowstorm! Seven days, two games, 81-10 combined score. Ouch!
Are there any questions? No? Class dismissed!
So, fellow students of football, what lesson have we learned from the past few weeks? Well, lesson number one is to beware of championship caliber teams after they lay an egg against an inferior opponent. Six weeks ago, the Patriots whipped up a sizable omelet in Cleveland during a 34-14 loss to the Browns. The defense couldn’t stop the run, and the offense was one-dimensional. That was apparently just the wake-up call Belichick’s troops needed as they’ve won five straight over the Steelers, Colts, Lions, Jets and Bears by a composite score of 196-88... That’s an average score of 39-17. As if outscoring opponents by an average of three touchdowns isn’t statement enough, consider that quarterback Tom Brady has tossed 15 touchdowns and zero interceptions over this five-game stretch. In fact, Brady hasn’t tossed an interception since tossing two in a 23-20 week 6 win against the Baltimore Ravens. The touchdown-to-interception tally since? 19 to zero!
How’s this for near perfection? The Patriots rank near the top of the NFL with 20 interceptions and 7 fumble recoveries (a +18 turnover ratio). Despite giving up more yards than they generate, the Patriots score more than any other team and virtually don’t make mistakes (only 4 interceptions and 5 fumbles lost).
Should everyone else in the AFC raise the white flag and concede the Super Bowl berth to New England? As tempting as it is, given the Patriots have already defeated the Jets, Dolphins, Colts, Steelers, Ravens and Chargers, teams all having at least an outside shot still at the playoffs, maybe we should wait and see what January brings. Yes, the Patriots have the NFL’s best record. Yes, the Patriots will likely gain home-field advantage. Yes, the Patriots have won 26 straight regular season games at home. But the Patriots are no less vulnerable than any other playoff contender... After all, you honestly can’t expect them to stay angry much longer and keep winning by three touchdowns, do you? It’s not like this is 2007, right? Right?
I’m a firm believer in “Any given Sunday” (or Saturday night, depending on the television networks), and there are clues to suggest a few AFC playoff teams could upset the Patriots, even at Gillette Stadium. After all, the Ravens knocked the Patriots off their game in last year’s playoffs... And lest we forget the outcome of Super Bowl XLII? Giants 17, Patriots 14. What do both games have in common? Domination of the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, and knocking Tom Brady on his keester.
Granted, neither the Jets nor Bears mounted much resistance against Brady and the passing attack, but each did manage to sack Brady three times. Does this mean anything? It means a defense CAN get to Brady, the Patriots offensive line is not completely air-tight, and if a team consistently commits to rushing the passer, they can eventually get to Brady, get to him often, and dirty his uniform.
Don’t snicker... It’s a known fact that all quarterbacks not named Brett Favre DON’T like getting their uniforms dirty! Exhibit A, I give you Peyton Manning... See how flustered he gets each time his white pants get grass stains? Exhibit B, I give you Tom Brady... Have you ever watched him enough to gauge his emotional level when things are going no so great? Just a thought to ponder...
Oh, and one other thing... Keeping Tom Brady on the sidelines. Nothing like making a quarterback stand around watching the opposing offense grind through his defensive mates and drain time from the clock! The more a team dominates time of possession, the better its chances are of keeping the ball out of number 12’s hands and keeping points off New England’s side of the scoreboard. Has this formula worked before? The Giants certainly worked it like a charm in Super Bowl XLII as well as Super Bowl XXV in 1991, when they beat the “point a minute” Buffalo Bills, 20-19. The Patriots also know how to play this game as well, when they upset the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXVI in 2002, 20-17.
Let’s assume the apocalypse won’t happen and the Jets will manage to right their ship and join the Steelers and Ravens among the playoff pool. Granted, the Patriots have more than exposed flaws in all three defensive units, but all three teams are capable of running the ball with brute force as well as shutting down an opponent’s running game. If the Jets, Steelers or Ravens can take a page from the Browns playbook and spice up the formula a notch, any of these teams could pull it off, even if the Jets lost a great deal of their swagger last Monday night. Rex Ryan may never completely kick Bill Belichick’s derrière, but maybe a swift kick in the shins is all that’s needed under the right circumstances.
What about the AFC South and West divisions? Unless something goes horribly wrong for the Jets, Steelers or Ravens, it’s most likely that the AFC South and West will only be represented by their division champs, while the wild cards come from the AFC East and North. In the South, the question is whether the Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5) can hold on and outlast the Indianapolis Colts (7-6). In the West, we wonder the same for the Kansas City Chiefs (8-5) and the San Diego Chargers (7-6).
In the AFC South, any questions will likely be answered this coming Sunday, when the Colts host the Jaguars. The formula for Jacksonville is simple: beat the Colts, they clinch the AFC South and send the Colts home for an early winter for the first time since 2001. If the Colts revenge the Jaguars for their week 4 31-28 loss in Jacksonville, things get interesting. If the Colts win out (12/26 at Oakland, 1/2 Tennessee), no matter what Jacksonville does in the final two weeks (12/26 vs. Washington, 1/2 at Houston), the Colts win the division on the basis of a better record against common opponents (9-5 vs 8-6).
In fact, for the Jaguars to win the AFC South despite losing to the Colts on Sunday, they need the Colts, at the least, to lose their final game to the Titans, in order to gain the upper-hand in any tie-breaker advantage (W-L record within the division, W-L record against common opponents, W-L record within the conference).
Make sense? Didn’t think so...
In the AFC West, things are a little less clear. The Chiefs (8-5) can simply clinch the divisional title by winning their remaining games (at St. Louis, 12/26 vs. Tennessee, 1/2 vs. Oakland), but things aren’t necessarily simple for the Chiefs, 31-0 losers at San Diego last week, where the offense generated a TOTAL of 67 yards without starting quarterback Matt Cassel (appendectomy). If Cassel recovers and returns, the Chiefs are in good shape. If Cassel isn’t up to par, the final stretch could be tough. The Rams are in contention to win the NFC West and play very well at home. The Raiders are 4-0 within the division; a home finale with a playoff berth at stake doesn’t offer guarantees for the Chiefs.
If the Chiefs lose one of their final three games, the door is wide open for the Chargers (7-6) to claim their fifth straight AFC West crown. To say the final three weeks are laid out perfectly for the Chargers is an understatement: at home vs. San Francisco, 12/26 at Cincinnati, 1/2 at Denver. The combined record of these opponents is 12-27, the Titans are riding a six-game losing streak, and the Bengals are riding a ten-game losing streak. All the Chargers need is to win out and hope for one Kansas City loss, and they can win the division by having a better record against common opponents (9-5 vs 8-6). If the Chiefs lose to Oakland, the Chargers would clinch by having a better record within the division (3-3 vs. 2-4).
Is all doom and gloom if the Chiefs lose once? Yes, unless the Chargers find a way to lose their season finale at Denver, a team they’ve beaten seven of the last nine meetings. Needless to say, the final three weeks provide mutual pressure for both the Chiefs and Chargers. As long as the Chargers keep winning, the pressure is on the Chiefs to win as well. As long as the Chiefs keep winning, the pressure tightens on the Chargers for starting one too many seasons 2-5, perhaps finally paying the price for habitually starting the season slowly, where another awesome November and December may not be good enough.
What does my crystal ball predict? If the Jaguars and Chiefs manage to hang on and win their divisions, both could pose problems for playoff opponents with their solid running games. If the Colts and Chargers manage to cheat the odds and get back into the playoffs, both may face quick exits because of their inconsistent running games and defenses. If we have other combinations of AFC South and West champions, it’s anyone’s guess how they’ll fare hosting perhaps the Ravens and Jets in the wild card round.
As I said back in the beginning of the season, I still think the Ravens and Jets have the right combinations to give fits throughout the playoffs, regardless of playing home or on the road. Do either have enough to make a run through three playoff games, especially through Foxborough? Maybe yes, maybe no. Chances are we’re probably waiting for the inevitable of the Patriots returning to the Super Bowl, but something in the back of my mind tells me it won’t be an easy path.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Cracking the code on Sports Radio Talk -- Sports Thoughts for December 2, 2010
Do you ever listen to sports talk shows on the radio? Do you ever wonder what players and coaches really mean when they say stuff to these show hosts, or what happens when fans call in with questions? Well, I’m here to provide you a somewhat inside look into these discussions and some translation of their words. Granted, it’s been over 26 years since I last wore the pads and uniform, but I still know enough of the lingo to give you a deeper understanding of player-speak and coach-speak.
Come... Let’s spy in on a hybridized talk show to get a sense of what sports radio in New York is really like...
Radio Host: Okay, we’re back. Happy Monday to everyone. Youse guys are listening to Jake Blabbermouth and the Gotham Gridiron Show on WKMA, the show with Noo Yawk attitude about Noo Yawk teams. If youse can’t take it, fugetaboutit, kiss my royal youse-know-what, and go find an easy listening station on the FM dial.
And... fresh off their nail-biter 59-14 win over the pathetic Ohio Alley Cats is our own star quarterback, Joe Sparkles. Joe, welcome to the show. We love you, kid, and we love that our Gotham Grinders are tied for the best record in the NFL heading into a very important showdown with the Boston Bunker Hills for conference supremacy.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... The Alley Cats STINK, and youse guys could only win by 45?! Youse better stop screwing around with Boston coming up. I’m planning to bet my mother-in-law’s nursing home reservation on this game, so youse better appreciate the magnitude of things.
Joe Sparkles: Thanks Jake. It’s always a pleasure to be on your show, especially after we win games.
Translation: Dude, get off my back. I know who you’re bookie is. You’ve been busting my chops since the day I was drafted, win or lose. It’s a good thing your station pays me five-grand for each appearance... I really deserve more for the 20 minutes of crap I have to put up with every Monday during the season.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse know I bleed for the Grinders every week since before youse was born. This has been one special season so far and I hope no one pinches me and wakes me from this dream until after youse holdin’ that Super Bowl trophy in February.
Joe Sparkles: You bet, Jake. We all know you and the Grinders go way back, over 40 years together. Nothing would please us more than to bring Gotham fans their first Super Bowl championship in 42 years.
Translation: How many times do I have to listen to this “we’ve been waiting so many years” jive? You must think we play on commission or something, like if you nag us enough that’s all it’ll take to turn us into a championship team. Dude, have you ever played organized football? It’s not like we schedule a bunch of beer league teams for opponents.
Jake Blabbermouth: Well, as long as you how much we love our Grinders and support you. We all can’t wait for youse guys to make us proud next week in Boston.
Translation: Hey, I’ve been a loyal fan since January 13, 1969, the day right after the Grinders won their very first Super Bowl title. I’d give my spleen for another title if I live long enough. Youse guys have spent years inventing ways how to break our hearts. Oh the pain of it all. I already know everything’s too good to be true. Youse guys are gonna get KILLED in Boston. Why even bother calling my bookie? No matter which way I bet youse guys will do the opposite. I should simply set fire to my checkbook and let you carve out my liver and fry it with onions, for G-d’s sake!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, as y’all know, professional football is a tough sport, and momentum can change with each week. Boston’s a tough team and a divisional rival. They’re tough at home, especially on primetime television. We’re just gonna prepare as best we can, go up there and give ‘em everything we’ve got.
Translation: Dude, take Boston and the under.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, Boston poses lots of challenges for your offense. How are youse gonna handle their pass rush? It seems youse been having to run around in the pocket a lot lately.
Translation: Youse seem to be a sitting duck every time you drop back to pass. What the hell’s up with that?
Joe Sparkles: Well, we’ve been having a few protection issues with certain plays the coaches are incorporating into the play book. Eventually we’ll work out those kinks and have the passing attack running on all cylinders.
Translation: Dude, you wouldn’t believe it... A couple of weeks ago, I treated my offensive line to a steak dinner in Manhattan and my VISA card got declined. So embarrassing... I didn’t have enough cash to cover the bill, so the guys all had to pay for themselves. I’m reimbursing everyone from next week’s paycheck, but the guys are still ticked about it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So your protection schemes are still being worked on?
Translation: Schmuck! You don’t keep track of your credit limit?!
Joe Sparkles: I’m pretty confident the blocking will solidify soon with more practice on these new plays. In the meantime, we’ll adjust and make the best of things.
Translation: Dude, theatre majors don’t take business courses in college! My agent handles all the math stuff for me. As soon as my VISA gets paid off for all the Victoria’s Secret stuff I bought for my wife and groupies, I’ll be solvent in cash again to pay the guys back. In the meantime, I guess I better learn to roll out more, or else I’ll be on my ass a lot next week.
Jake Blabbermouth: Are you doing enough film study in preparation for the Bunker Hills?
Translation: Hey, Einstein... If you can’t keep track of your VISA balance, how are we supposed to trust you being able to read a defense?
Joe Sparkles: Oh yes. I’ve been doing a lot of film study since the Ohio game and taking serious notes about Boston’s defensive tendencies. Of course, the key in such a tough game between two teams that really know each other is to minimize mistakes and maximize our limited opportunities.
Translation: Dude, I gotta be careful with the ball. I can’t afford to fumble or throw interceptions. These guys are really much better than us and they’ll kill us if we give them more scoring opportunities.
Jake Blabbermouth: No kidding, Joe. Turnovers will kill youse every time in tight games.
Translation: Look, pretty boy... My bookie tells me the point spread’s gonna stay Boston by four, and the over-under’s 32, right through to kickoff. Youse start giving the ball back to the other jerseys youse guys are DEAD. Youse guys need to win a 7-3 kinda game, youse get it? I don’t want my mother-in-law living with me by the time I retire to Boca!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, in tight games, any little thing can turn into something big, good or bad. Even though turnovers are a part of the game, it’s very rare when y’all can win a game 59-14 after throwing six interceptions.
Translation: Dude, stuff happens. Better I throw all those interceptions in games that I can also pass for three touchdowns against a lousy opponent.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse had me reaching for the Maalox yesterday. I don’t know how many more of those games my insides can take.
Translation: What the hell’s wrong with you?! This is FOOTBALL! If I want all these highs and lows I’d follow the stock market on CNBC!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, football’s a funny sport sometimes. We like to keep the excitement in one direction, but sometimes games take on a life of their own.
Translation: Oops.
Jake Blabbermouth: Youse don’t need to tell me, kid... I’ve seen my share of wacky Grinders games through the years.
Translation: OOPS?! Are you kidding me?! OOPS?! I can’t believe we pay you five grand a week for these insights!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, we’re gonna do our best next Monday night in Boston and see what happens.
Translation: Dude... I could be chilling in my Jacuzzi with the wife instead of wasting another 20 minutes of my life talking to you.
Jake Blabbermouth: I’m keeping my fingers crossed, Joe... From your lips to G-d’s ears, we’re hoping youse show Boston who’s boss. In the meantime we have time for one call, and we have Sad Sal from Staten Island. Sal, Jake Blabbermouth here! Youse on the air... What’s your question for Joe Sparkles?
Translation: Hallelujah! PLEASE... Someone ask this stiff a question he can answer and make these 20 minutes worth it!
Sad Sal: Thanks Jake. It’s an honor to be on your show. I’m a long time listener, first-time caller. Hey, Joe, do youse worry about getting hurt when youse in the open field running with the ball? I mean, if youse don’t slide right, youse can get killed.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... What the hell’s with these face first belly flops when you’re running with the ball?! I almost lost my shirt to Jake’s bookie last month when you fumbled the ball off your friggin’ face because youse don’t know how to slide on your ass!
Joe Sparkles: Sir, that’s a very good question. Sometimes y’all lose logic in the heat of battle, and out of instinct y’all do something unwise.
Translation: You gotta be kidding me... You wait your entire miserable life on Staten Island to ask me about sliding technique after I get a first down?! You’re not talking to Carlos Beltran. Dude, I make $15M a season and have 200,000 followers on Twitter. What do you know about football? Is this segment over yet? I was really hoping to hit the mall before lunch.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, couldn’t say it better myself. Football’s a game of emotion and reaction. Sometimes youse ain’t thinking every second of the game and things sorta happen. Joe, as always, it’s a pleasure to talk with youse. We wish youse the best next week in Boston. Be well and go Grinders.
Translation: Geez Louise! Is it time for a commercial yet?! This schmuck gets $15M per season and he doesn’t know his head from his ass?! We’ll NEVER win another Super Bowl before I’m dead and buried! This kid KILLS me every single week... Every season is the same ol’ rupture my spleen aggravation with this team and these whack-job players.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, and we’re back after that wonderful commercial for Bruno’s Bail Bonds. When youse in the pokey and don’t have cash handy, call Bruno and he’ll take good care of you, if youse know what’s good for you.
And now it’s my pleasure to introduce the Grinders All-Pro right tackle, Bubba Blaster. Bubba, Jake Blabbermouth here; how youse doin’ today?
Translation: Oh boy... I go from the idiot quarterback to a complete Neanderthal with a rap sheet longer than Bruno’s bond list.
Bubba Blaster: Hey Jake. What’s shakin’ today?
Translation: Why are these weekly appearances supposed to give me credit for community service?
Jake Blabbermouth: Bubba, as usual, youse had a solid game plowing down the defense while the Grinders scored four touchdowns, three by passing, one by the ground game. How do you feel the offensive line is gelling together at this point of the season?
Translation: Do youse guys think you could block a little better for your quarterback, or are fans gonna have to live and die every time that schmuck drops back to throw the ball?
Bubba Blaster: Well, Jake, we like to have a balanced offense, but if we need to score through the air, we can do it as long as Joe is still upright.
Translation: Did you hear what Pretty Boy did to us two weeks ago?! Fool takes us all out for a steak dinner on him and he maxes out his damn VISA card! Pretty Boy don’t do that to big mothers like us who protect his Pretty Boy ass. Mrs. Blaster don’t like me putting a big tab on our VISA card. Ol’ Bubba don’t make no $15M like Pretty Boy does. So until Pretty Boy makes amends, Pretty Boy’s uniform gets some grass and mud stains!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys are still working out the kinks?
Translation: Did that schmuck really forget to check his VISA balance beforehand?
Bubba Blaster: Jake, we O linemen take our craft seriously, but the NFL has so much balance these days, every week is a close battle in the trenches.
Translation: Not only that, but Pretty Boy has to take us to the most expensive steak place in the city... Prime Grill! Pretty Boy says we should go classy once in a while... Hey, ol’ Bubba’s 6’-2” and tips the scales at 375. How the hell is ol’ Bubba supposed to look classy in some suit and tie at a steakhouse? In the front window y’all see a giant U in a circle. Y’all know what that giant U stands for? YOU better have your damn VISA card ready because that food is expensive! Damn! They charge for a steak what I spend for a month’s worth of KFC! And it’s just the STEAK! Damn! Y’all gotta pay extra for the sides stuff, and it’s no free refills on your Pepsi too!
Ol’ Bubba gotta dress classy and we got a waiter who looks like ZZ-Top wearing a beanie! And he don’t even tuck in his shirt! He’s got all these loose threads hanging out. Damn! Pretty Boy coulda just taken us to Sizzler, where the BOO-FAY and Pepsi refills are included!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys and Joe are bonding more as a unit?
Translation: Youse know that was an orthodox kosher joint, don’t you? Oy Vey... Why the hell am I having this conversation with this guy? Is it time for another commercial break yet?!
Jake Blabbermouth: Folks, as a special treat, we have the rock and anchor of the Grinders offensive line, future hall of fame center, Nash Mauler. Nash, Jake Blabbermouth here.
Nash Mauler: Hey Jake. How are you today?
Translation: Bubba got on your nerves that fast, huh?
Jake Blabbermouth: Nash, Bubba was telling us before about how youse guys are slowly bonding as a unit and working with Joe Sparkles to make the passing attack better.
Nash Mauler: Yes, Jake, we’re working on some new things as we start getting into the playoff push.
Translation: So you already know about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill, huh? Well, other than that it actually was a nice gathering, and it really was the best steak I’ve eaten. But, when you end up sticking your protection with that kind of tab, you know we’re gonna get back at you for it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So how are things shaping up?
Translation: How much longer are youse gonna leave this schmuck running for his life on passing downs?
Nash Mauler: We’re getting there... We’ll definitely be ready for Boston.
Translation: Hey, we’re not stupid... The divisional title is at stake. You can tell your bookie to put you down for us and the points. But, if I was Pretty Boy, I’d like to see us calling a lot more running plays Monday night, if you know what I mean.
Jake Blabbermouth: Will the game plan depend on how the weather is? Boston can get cold and wet in December.
Translation: So Pretty Boy better pray for rain or snow to keep his uniform pants clean?
Nash Mauler: Well, December weather is Grinders weather, and we definitely know how to grind defenses to a pulp.
Translation: If we have clear skies and call lots of pass plays, I guarantee Pretty Boy will go down anywhere between three and six times. We’re still waiting for his agent to straighten out the reimbursements.
Jake Blabbermouth: That’s what I like to hear, Nash. Sounds like our Grinders are ready for business.
Translation: Are you sure I should take youse guys and the points?
Nash Mauler: Don’t worry Jake. We’re going to be very focused and ready to take control of things.
Translation: I’d take the points, but maybe you should just wait and see how things go during the practice week. Pretty Boy’s not out of the woods just yet.
Jake Blabbermouth: Thanks for dropping by the show today, Nash. It’s a pleasure when fans get to listen to a future hall of famer. Have a good week and go Grinders.
Nash Mauler: Thanks Jake. Take care.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, so that was the great Nash Mauler to wrap up today’s show here on WKMA. After the 20-20 update we’ll be tossing things over to Mike Kingmaker and the afternoon show. And here he comes into the studio booth. Hi-ya Mike... What’s on tap for this afternoon’s show?
Translation: Yeah, now that my insignificant mid-day show is over, everyone can now listen to the Pope, his royal highness of sports pontification.
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, yeah... Greetings, Mr. Blabbermouth. Good to see you’ve been warming up our faithful listeners for an afternoon show full of Grinders talk.
Translation: And thanks for keeping my seat warm too. It’s chilly outside today, and I don’t like goose pimples on my royal tuchus. Okay, the 20-20 is just about over... You’re dismissed peon. Time for a real radio pro to sit down and work his magic.
Mike Kingmaker: Good afternoon, Gotham football fans... It’s time for “King Me” on WKMA, so let’s talk about our Gotham Grinders as they make the transition this week from a bad Ohio opponent to a major step up in class and talent in Boston. Yes, the Grinders won big, but they didn’t impress and played sloppy. Sparkles the quarterback tosses three touchdowns but also six picks, two which went back for the only Ohio touchdowns. Sparkles was sacked five times. The team scores 59 points, but the offense kicked more field goals, five, than touchdowns scored, four. The defense played solid, scoring two touchdowns and recording a safety, but they couldn’t sack Ohio’s quarterback the entire game. Yes, the Grinders have the league’s best record, just like Boston, but the Grinders aren’t as convincing as the Bunker Hills are, and we all know the Grinders won’t get away with the same sloppy and uneven play this week. Never before have I felt this worried about a team coming off a 45-point win like this.
Translation: C’mon... Just because WKMA pays me all this money and the Grinders are this station’s team, doesn’t mean the Grinders have to be MY team. There’s only so much positive gushing I do for these palookas.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, why don’t we go to the phones and hear what Steve in Secaucus has to say. Steve, you’re on the air. What’s on your mind.
Secaucus Steve: Hi Mike. Long time listener, first time caller. What do you think are the major things to worry about going into this game with Boston?
Translation: I’ve spent years listening to this pompous jerk and this is the first time in 15 years I’ve been able to get through the station’s switchboard. Go ahead, Mr. Big Shot... Go dump all over our great football team like you do every afternoon.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, where do I start? This team stinks and is winning on luck. How does a team score 59 points playing this sloppy? The quarterback’s a liability. When he drops back to pass, he’s equally likely to be sacked or intercepted. The placekicker is the most productive part of the offense. They’re definitely a notch below where Boston is.
Translation: Nothing impresses me about this team, and dopes like you need to wise up and realize I’ll never say anything good about them. Even if hell freezes over and they win the Super Bowl, I’ll tell you it really didn’t happen and everyone was on an LSD trip for three hours.
Secaucus Steve: Mike, but don’t you think the defense can take control of the game?
Translation: I dare you to dump on a defense that alone outscored their last opponent 16-0.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, Ohio’s not even a legitimate NFL team this season. My mother’s Mah-Jong group could’ve scored a touchdown against Ohio’s defense. Thanks for calling, Steve. Dom, who’s our next caller?
Translation: Nice try, but I’ll never say anything positive about your team. I hate these guys so much, for reasons I don’t even understand, I’d bet my kids’ college savings fund on whomever their opponent is. In fact, I even put a few bucks on Ohio last week just for the thrill of rooting against the local team. Next pigeon!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Fat Lou from Lindenhurst.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Lou. You’re on the air.
Fat Lou: Mike, how are Grinders fans supposed to get behind their team when youse always dumping on them?
Mike Kingmaker: I don’t always dump on them. I said they were a better team than Ohio.
Translation: Hey, Slim... Stop chewing on your lunch and listen more carefully to what I say on the radio. We’re gonna lose big in Boston, but we know how to beat up on even worse teams.
Fat Lou: Yeah, but youse never talk us up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for calling, Lou. Hey, these are professional football players... They don’t need my emotional support.
Translation: Oh boo hoo hoo... Fans don’t like it when I speak the truth about their teams. Let’s move on from this chump.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have Coach Crabbypants on the line?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Yes we do, Mike.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Folks, calling into the booth is none other than the head coach of the Grinders, Ron Crabbypants. Ron, congratulations on your win last week over Ohio. How are you? Are you focused and ready for Boston?
Translation: Yeah, yeah... Let’s all pat you guys on the back for beating a Pop Warner team in your own stadium. Now let’s see you put your money where your mouth is and play a real team... And you know where I’m putting MY money!
Ron Crabbypants: Hi Mike. Yes, we’re getting ready to finalize our game plan and take it to Boston for a tough battle. All the experts think the Bunker Hills are the best team in the league and we don’t stand a chance Monday night. Unfortunately, no one consulted me, and I say we’re gonna give ‘em everything we have and come home victorious.
Translation: You don’t think I listen to this station in my office or car? I hear you and Jake Blabbermouth ragging on us and calling your bookies to bet on Boston.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, your team’s on a roll, but once again the questions come up... Can Sparkles play consistent quarterback? Can your offense be more efficient in the red zone? Is the defense up to the task against a powerhouse that can light up the scoreboard from anywhere on the field?
Translation: C’mon, coach... Who are you kidding? Half the time I don’t know which team your quarterback’s playing for. If I didn’t know better, from the way your offensive line blocks for him, I have to wonder who’s making bets or trying to shave scores.
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, you need to understand that it takes time for an offensive unit to come together onto the same page when the coaching staff is constantly incorporating new plays and formations.
Translation: So you have no idea about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill two weeks ago?
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, but we’re three quarters of the way through the regular season. How much longer does it take for your guys to finally hit their stride? They can’t keep getting lucky like the Ohio game.
Translation: What does Prime Grill have to do with anything?!
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, the regular season is four quarters of four-game segments, and each segment is a new layer of evolution of a team roster and its character. Every team works toward a common goal of winning the Super Bowl, and for the lucky team that wins it all, we hope everything is completely in gear by then. We’re constantly working to improve, working to accomplish more, working to be a well-oiled machine in every aspect, working to have it all come together perfectly, working to win game after game after game until we’re the last ones standing with the trophy.
Translation: And you call yourself a journalist?! I’m the poor schnook everything falls on. I have to worry about every mistake my players make. I have to worry if there are clique wars between my offense and defense, within my offense or defense, or among my coaches. Heck, all you need to worry about is whether Fat Lou calls into your show. Me? I have to worry about all the Fat Lous in the cheap seats and all the Bernie Madoff wannabes who buy up the PSLs and luxury suites. And then let’s toss in a quarterback who ticks off his offensive linemen at the most expensive steak house in Manhattan, then plays like he’s bipolar. My entire career and sanity hinges on how unhinged these guys who make three-to-five times my salary get.
Mike Kingmaker: Do you think the best is yet to come for your team?
Translation: Wow... Coach, you seem unusually stressed this afternoon.
Ron Crabbypants: Oh sure, I definitely believe the best is yet to come. Hopefully we’ll hit our zenith in Boston and keep it going right into the playoffs. But we have to be careful and disciplined. Can’t keep making mistakes hoping to get away with them. Can’t have so many turnovers. Gotta protect the ball. Can’t have so many penalties. Gotta be mindful of field position and opportunities.
Translation: Boy, do I really want to win Monday night in Boston! I’m not going there to kiss their coach’s super bowl rings. I’m going up there so he can kiss our you-know-whats as we leave their stadium in total control of the division. Stress? You have no idea about stress! I spend so many hours working on game plans, I sleep on a cot in my office three nights a week. My wife doesn’t even recognize me anymore. My little granddaughter took back the teddy bear she gave me to keep from being lonely. It’s lonely and stressful at this point in the season.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, I wish you lots of luck Monday night. I know this is the most important game in years for this franchise. Thanks for coming on the show this afternoon, and we’ll talk with you next week.
Translation: Sheesh! This guy’s wound so tight I thought he’d rupture an artery. Thank goodness it’s time for a commercial break.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, and we’re back. As you know, this show’s sponsored by Gas-X... When you’re eating like a pig at the tailgating party, Gas-X gives you instant relief so you don’t add your own sounds to the game inside the stadium. Gas-X... Good for the tummy, good for all the fans in your section.
Dom, do we have Larry Twinkle-toes on the phone yet? We do? Great. Joining us now is the Grinders leading rusher, Larry Twinkle-toes. Larry, Mike Kingmaker here. How are you today?
Larry Twinkle-toes: I’m feeling good, Mike. Thanks for inviting me on the show.
Mike Kingmaker: No problem, Larry. Larry, a lot has been said recently about the inconsistencies in the passing attack. Is now the time of the season when it’s “ground and pound” time to carry the rock and wear down opposing defenses?
Translation: With the divisional title on the line, is now the right time to finally make you the focus of the offense and take the ball away from your Jekyll and Hyde quarterback so he has no chance to blow it?
Larry Twinkle-toes: You know it, Mike. It’s December and December weather. That means it’s “ground and pound” time, just as we’re built for.
Translation: Hey, until Pretty Boy straightens out his VISA fiasco, give me the damn ball and let me lead the way to victory. Unlike Pretty Boy, I know how to take care of the guys who block for me. Last week I took ‘em all to Pizza Hut with a wad of cash and a handful of “buy one, get one” coupons. I studied economics in college. I know the value of a buck.
Mike Kingmaker: Is it safe to say that your offense is designed to stretch the defense with the passing attack, and after the defense is gassed from chasing after receivers, you guys switch to the run and just plow them over?
Translation: Does Pretty Boy’s $15M salary force the coaches to let him run the show until he creates enough of a mess to justify taking the ball out of his hands?
Larry Twinkle-toes: Well, depending on the weather, we can go with a pass-first offense, but sometimes it makes more sense to come out with me running the ball until we break the will of the opposing defense.
Translation: Pretty Boy’s all pretty and no brains. I’d never let myself get into the mess he did with his VISA card. Frankly, I don’t understand why he took the linemen to the most expensive place for steak. These guys work in the trenches... They aren’t MENSA members, you know. I bet if I bought three dozen pairs of women’s shoes from Payless, and nuked them in the microwave oven with a ton of A-1 sauce, they might not even notice the difference. Those guys will eat anything you put on a plate!
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Dom, do we have a caller?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jamal from Saskatoon on the line.
Mike Kingmaker: Saskatoon? They have radios up there? I thought they had cattle and reindeer... Jamal, you’re on the air. You have a question for us?
Jamal: Uh, yes... Do you guys have any opinion about the Black Eyed Peas performing at this year’s Super Bowl?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh?
Jamal: Well... What do you think about the Black Eyed Peas? If they’re doing the halftime show, does it give players more motivation to get to the Super Bowl, or maybe a different performer provide more motivation? Like, uh... Justin Bieber... Maybe players prefer to play in a Super Bowl if Justin Bieber’s the halftime act instead, eh?
Larry Twinkle-toes: What the (expletive)?
Dom the Switchboard guy: What the (expletive)?
Translation: What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: What the... HEY! You don’t sound like some guy named Jamal!
Translation: The brothers don’t live in Saskatoon...
Mike Kingmaker: It’s YOU! Bieber! How did you get this station’s phone number? Where are you calling from? Where’s your baby sitter?! Don’t you know you have to be over 18 to call into this show?! Get off the phone and stay away from our show, you self-promoting munchkin!
Larry Twinkle-toes: You have to be 18 to call into the radio? Is that like the same as calling those 900 lines to talk with hot babes?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh? No! Don’t worry... No laws were broken. I just don’t talk with minors. My show! My phone line!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, I’m really sorry... I have no idea how he pulled this off. He sounded adult and Canadian to me.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do you even know what a Canadian sounds like?!
Larry Twinkle-toes: Gee, uh... Guys, I think I should get going now. Lots of film study still to do before dinner.
Translation: What the (expletive) just happened here?! I’m talking about being the man for our offense and then some singing midget calls in trying to pass himself off as a black Eskimo, or whatever they have in Saskatoon. This is too creepy for me... I think I’ll just stick to interviews with the newspaper reporters.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have any more players calling in to the show to talk about Monday’s game in Boston?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Bart Slammer on line three.
Mike Kingmaker: Mr. Slammer! The best trash talking and hardest hitting linebacker in the league... How are you today?
Bart Slammer: Better than you, my man. That’s a good one... Would we play harder to reach the Super Bowl if Justin Bieber was the halftime act? Ha ha ha ha ha... I don’t know where you get these callers, but that takes the cake for me!
Translation: Lucky for you we players love to talk all the time with the media... If it wasn’t for us, your show would just be a sorry collection of losers and nut-jobs calling in to take up oxygen.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, how are things shaping up for the defense as you guys get ready for Boston?
Bart Slammer: Mike, we’re always ready. Doesn’t matter who we play or where we play them.
Translation: You’re kidding, right? We’re the Grinders defense. Teams need to get ready for us, not the other way around.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, given how inconsistently the offense played last week against Ohio, and how dominant the defense was, do you guys feel any pressure to carry the team in a tough game against a team like Boston?
Translation: Is it possible the offensive line might throw the game because of Pretty Boy and VISA-gate?
Bart Slammer: Mike, the football season has ups and downs. Sometimes the offense has to cover for the defense, and sometimes the defense has to step up and save the day for the offense. We’re a 53-man team, all working together to win games.
Translation: Yeah, messing up with your VISA card at an expensive steak house usually lingers with the guys for a few weeks. I guess it falls to us to make sure we lead the way until all the offensive guys kiss and make up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks Bart. That makes perfect sense. Dom, do we have a last call before we wrap things up for this afternoon?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jerry from Bellville on line two.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Jerry. You’re on the air.
Jerry: I have a question for Bart... Bart, is it true the Devil is buried underneath the visitor’s locker room in Boston’s stadium, and...
Bart Slammer: Huh? Devil... WHAT?!
Mike Kingmaker: Devil WHERE?!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Oh, (expletive)! I read the computer monitor wrong... It’s Jerry from BELLEVUE!
Bart Slammer: BELLEVUE?! What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: BELLEVUE! This can’t be happening...
Jerry: That’s right, guys! I, the archangel of Satan, warn you, Gotham Grinders, that the Devil resides under the visiting locker room in Boston’s stadium! The only way you can defeat your rival is to destroy the curse that lives within the foundation of their structure! YOU MUST BURN DOWN THEIR STADIUM BEFORE KICKOFF OR DIE! DIE! DIE! MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Bart Slammer: This dude has payphone privileges at Bellevue?
Mike Kingmaker: You don’t know the half of it.
Dom the Switchboard guy: Jerry’s a regular for the night shift show... I guess he must’ve got change for the phone after shock therapy.
Bart Slammer: This dude gets shock therapy?
Mike Kingmaker: Apparently Thorazine doesn’t help.
Translation: Why me?! What did I do to deserve these crackpot callers on my show?
Bart Slammer: Yeah... Well, it’s been fun... I think it’s time to call it a day and get some dinner. Thanks for inviting me on your show.
Translation: Holy (expletive)... I think I’m finally speechless.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for spending a little time with us, Bart. Good luck in Boston. We’re rooting for you and the entire team.
Translation: Now that my radio career is officially up in smoke, I might as well cheer on the local team... either that, or hire an exorcist for them, just in case...
Come... Let’s spy in on a hybridized talk show to get a sense of what sports radio in New York is really like...
Radio Host: Okay, we’re back. Happy Monday to everyone. Youse guys are listening to Jake Blabbermouth and the Gotham Gridiron Show on WKMA, the show with Noo Yawk attitude about Noo Yawk teams. If youse can’t take it, fugetaboutit, kiss my royal youse-know-what, and go find an easy listening station on the FM dial.
And... fresh off their nail-biter 59-14 win over the pathetic Ohio Alley Cats is our own star quarterback, Joe Sparkles. Joe, welcome to the show. We love you, kid, and we love that our Gotham Grinders are tied for the best record in the NFL heading into a very important showdown with the Boston Bunker Hills for conference supremacy.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... The Alley Cats STINK, and youse guys could only win by 45?! Youse better stop screwing around with Boston coming up. I’m planning to bet my mother-in-law’s nursing home reservation on this game, so youse better appreciate the magnitude of things.
Joe Sparkles: Thanks Jake. It’s always a pleasure to be on your show, especially after we win games.
Translation: Dude, get off my back. I know who you’re bookie is. You’ve been busting my chops since the day I was drafted, win or lose. It’s a good thing your station pays me five-grand for each appearance... I really deserve more for the 20 minutes of crap I have to put up with every Monday during the season.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse know I bleed for the Grinders every week since before youse was born. This has been one special season so far and I hope no one pinches me and wakes me from this dream until after youse holdin’ that Super Bowl trophy in February.
Joe Sparkles: You bet, Jake. We all know you and the Grinders go way back, over 40 years together. Nothing would please us more than to bring Gotham fans their first Super Bowl championship in 42 years.
Translation: How many times do I have to listen to this “we’ve been waiting so many years” jive? You must think we play on commission or something, like if you nag us enough that’s all it’ll take to turn us into a championship team. Dude, have you ever played organized football? It’s not like we schedule a bunch of beer league teams for opponents.
Jake Blabbermouth: Well, as long as you how much we love our Grinders and support you. We all can’t wait for youse guys to make us proud next week in Boston.
Translation: Hey, I’ve been a loyal fan since January 13, 1969, the day right after the Grinders won their very first Super Bowl title. I’d give my spleen for another title if I live long enough. Youse guys have spent years inventing ways how to break our hearts. Oh the pain of it all. I already know everything’s too good to be true. Youse guys are gonna get KILLED in Boston. Why even bother calling my bookie? No matter which way I bet youse guys will do the opposite. I should simply set fire to my checkbook and let you carve out my liver and fry it with onions, for G-d’s sake!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, as y’all know, professional football is a tough sport, and momentum can change with each week. Boston’s a tough team and a divisional rival. They’re tough at home, especially on primetime television. We’re just gonna prepare as best we can, go up there and give ‘em everything we’ve got.
Translation: Dude, take Boston and the under.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, Boston poses lots of challenges for your offense. How are youse gonna handle their pass rush? It seems youse been having to run around in the pocket a lot lately.
Translation: Youse seem to be a sitting duck every time you drop back to pass. What the hell’s up with that?
Joe Sparkles: Well, we’ve been having a few protection issues with certain plays the coaches are incorporating into the play book. Eventually we’ll work out those kinks and have the passing attack running on all cylinders.
Translation: Dude, you wouldn’t believe it... A couple of weeks ago, I treated my offensive line to a steak dinner in Manhattan and my VISA card got declined. So embarrassing... I didn’t have enough cash to cover the bill, so the guys all had to pay for themselves. I’m reimbursing everyone from next week’s paycheck, but the guys are still ticked about it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So your protection schemes are still being worked on?
Translation: Schmuck! You don’t keep track of your credit limit?!
Joe Sparkles: I’m pretty confident the blocking will solidify soon with more practice on these new plays. In the meantime, we’ll adjust and make the best of things.
Translation: Dude, theatre majors don’t take business courses in college! My agent handles all the math stuff for me. As soon as my VISA gets paid off for all the Victoria’s Secret stuff I bought for my wife and groupies, I’ll be solvent in cash again to pay the guys back. In the meantime, I guess I better learn to roll out more, or else I’ll be on my ass a lot next week.
Jake Blabbermouth: Are you doing enough film study in preparation for the Bunker Hills?
Translation: Hey, Einstein... If you can’t keep track of your VISA balance, how are we supposed to trust you being able to read a defense?
Joe Sparkles: Oh yes. I’ve been doing a lot of film study since the Ohio game and taking serious notes about Boston’s defensive tendencies. Of course, the key in such a tough game between two teams that really know each other is to minimize mistakes and maximize our limited opportunities.
Translation: Dude, I gotta be careful with the ball. I can’t afford to fumble or throw interceptions. These guys are really much better than us and they’ll kill us if we give them more scoring opportunities.
Jake Blabbermouth: No kidding, Joe. Turnovers will kill youse every time in tight games.
Translation: Look, pretty boy... My bookie tells me the point spread’s gonna stay Boston by four, and the over-under’s 32, right through to kickoff. Youse start giving the ball back to the other jerseys youse guys are DEAD. Youse guys need to win a 7-3 kinda game, youse get it? I don’t want my mother-in-law living with me by the time I retire to Boca!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, in tight games, any little thing can turn into something big, good or bad. Even though turnovers are a part of the game, it’s very rare when y’all can win a game 59-14 after throwing six interceptions.
Translation: Dude, stuff happens. Better I throw all those interceptions in games that I can also pass for three touchdowns against a lousy opponent.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse had me reaching for the Maalox yesterday. I don’t know how many more of those games my insides can take.
Translation: What the hell’s wrong with you?! This is FOOTBALL! If I want all these highs and lows I’d follow the stock market on CNBC!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, football’s a funny sport sometimes. We like to keep the excitement in one direction, but sometimes games take on a life of their own.
Translation: Oops.
Jake Blabbermouth: Youse don’t need to tell me, kid... I’ve seen my share of wacky Grinders games through the years.
Translation: OOPS?! Are you kidding me?! OOPS?! I can’t believe we pay you five grand a week for these insights!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, we’re gonna do our best next Monday night in Boston and see what happens.
Translation: Dude... I could be chilling in my Jacuzzi with the wife instead of wasting another 20 minutes of my life talking to you.
Jake Blabbermouth: I’m keeping my fingers crossed, Joe... From your lips to G-d’s ears, we’re hoping youse show Boston who’s boss. In the meantime we have time for one call, and we have Sad Sal from Staten Island. Sal, Jake Blabbermouth here! Youse on the air... What’s your question for Joe Sparkles?
Translation: Hallelujah! PLEASE... Someone ask this stiff a question he can answer and make these 20 minutes worth it!
Sad Sal: Thanks Jake. It’s an honor to be on your show. I’m a long time listener, first-time caller. Hey, Joe, do youse worry about getting hurt when youse in the open field running with the ball? I mean, if youse don’t slide right, youse can get killed.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... What the hell’s with these face first belly flops when you’re running with the ball?! I almost lost my shirt to Jake’s bookie last month when you fumbled the ball off your friggin’ face because youse don’t know how to slide on your ass!
Joe Sparkles: Sir, that’s a very good question. Sometimes y’all lose logic in the heat of battle, and out of instinct y’all do something unwise.
Translation: You gotta be kidding me... You wait your entire miserable life on Staten Island to ask me about sliding technique after I get a first down?! You’re not talking to Carlos Beltran. Dude, I make $15M a season and have 200,000 followers on Twitter. What do you know about football? Is this segment over yet? I was really hoping to hit the mall before lunch.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, couldn’t say it better myself. Football’s a game of emotion and reaction. Sometimes youse ain’t thinking every second of the game and things sorta happen. Joe, as always, it’s a pleasure to talk with youse. We wish youse the best next week in Boston. Be well and go Grinders.
Translation: Geez Louise! Is it time for a commercial yet?! This schmuck gets $15M per season and he doesn’t know his head from his ass?! We’ll NEVER win another Super Bowl before I’m dead and buried! This kid KILLS me every single week... Every season is the same ol’ rupture my spleen aggravation with this team and these whack-job players.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, and we’re back after that wonderful commercial for Bruno’s Bail Bonds. When youse in the pokey and don’t have cash handy, call Bruno and he’ll take good care of you, if youse know what’s good for you.
And now it’s my pleasure to introduce the Grinders All-Pro right tackle, Bubba Blaster. Bubba, Jake Blabbermouth here; how youse doin’ today?
Translation: Oh boy... I go from the idiot quarterback to a complete Neanderthal with a rap sheet longer than Bruno’s bond list.
Bubba Blaster: Hey Jake. What’s shakin’ today?
Translation: Why are these weekly appearances supposed to give me credit for community service?
Jake Blabbermouth: Bubba, as usual, youse had a solid game plowing down the defense while the Grinders scored four touchdowns, three by passing, one by the ground game. How do you feel the offensive line is gelling together at this point of the season?
Translation: Do youse guys think you could block a little better for your quarterback, or are fans gonna have to live and die every time that schmuck drops back to throw the ball?
Bubba Blaster: Well, Jake, we like to have a balanced offense, but if we need to score through the air, we can do it as long as Joe is still upright.
Translation: Did you hear what Pretty Boy did to us two weeks ago?! Fool takes us all out for a steak dinner on him and he maxes out his damn VISA card! Pretty Boy don’t do that to big mothers like us who protect his Pretty Boy ass. Mrs. Blaster don’t like me putting a big tab on our VISA card. Ol’ Bubba don’t make no $15M like Pretty Boy does. So until Pretty Boy makes amends, Pretty Boy’s uniform gets some grass and mud stains!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys are still working out the kinks?
Translation: Did that schmuck really forget to check his VISA balance beforehand?
Bubba Blaster: Jake, we O linemen take our craft seriously, but the NFL has so much balance these days, every week is a close battle in the trenches.
Translation: Not only that, but Pretty Boy has to take us to the most expensive steak place in the city... Prime Grill! Pretty Boy says we should go classy once in a while... Hey, ol’ Bubba’s 6’-2” and tips the scales at 375. How the hell is ol’ Bubba supposed to look classy in some suit and tie at a steakhouse? In the front window y’all see a giant U in a circle. Y’all know what that giant U stands for? YOU better have your damn VISA card ready because that food is expensive! Damn! They charge for a steak what I spend for a month’s worth of KFC! And it’s just the STEAK! Damn! Y’all gotta pay extra for the sides stuff, and it’s no free refills on your Pepsi too!
Ol’ Bubba gotta dress classy and we got a waiter who looks like ZZ-Top wearing a beanie! And he don’t even tuck in his shirt! He’s got all these loose threads hanging out. Damn! Pretty Boy coulda just taken us to Sizzler, where the BOO-FAY and Pepsi refills are included!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys and Joe are bonding more as a unit?
Translation: Youse know that was an orthodox kosher joint, don’t you? Oy Vey... Why the hell am I having this conversation with this guy? Is it time for another commercial break yet?!
Jake Blabbermouth: Folks, as a special treat, we have the rock and anchor of the Grinders offensive line, future hall of fame center, Nash Mauler. Nash, Jake Blabbermouth here.
Nash Mauler: Hey Jake. How are you today?
Translation: Bubba got on your nerves that fast, huh?
Jake Blabbermouth: Nash, Bubba was telling us before about how youse guys are slowly bonding as a unit and working with Joe Sparkles to make the passing attack better.
Nash Mauler: Yes, Jake, we’re working on some new things as we start getting into the playoff push.
Translation: So you already know about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill, huh? Well, other than that it actually was a nice gathering, and it really was the best steak I’ve eaten. But, when you end up sticking your protection with that kind of tab, you know we’re gonna get back at you for it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So how are things shaping up?
Translation: How much longer are youse gonna leave this schmuck running for his life on passing downs?
Nash Mauler: We’re getting there... We’ll definitely be ready for Boston.
Translation: Hey, we’re not stupid... The divisional title is at stake. You can tell your bookie to put you down for us and the points. But, if I was Pretty Boy, I’d like to see us calling a lot more running plays Monday night, if you know what I mean.
Jake Blabbermouth: Will the game plan depend on how the weather is? Boston can get cold and wet in December.
Translation: So Pretty Boy better pray for rain or snow to keep his uniform pants clean?
Nash Mauler: Well, December weather is Grinders weather, and we definitely know how to grind defenses to a pulp.
Translation: If we have clear skies and call lots of pass plays, I guarantee Pretty Boy will go down anywhere between three and six times. We’re still waiting for his agent to straighten out the reimbursements.
Jake Blabbermouth: That’s what I like to hear, Nash. Sounds like our Grinders are ready for business.
Translation: Are you sure I should take youse guys and the points?
Nash Mauler: Don’t worry Jake. We’re going to be very focused and ready to take control of things.
Translation: I’d take the points, but maybe you should just wait and see how things go during the practice week. Pretty Boy’s not out of the woods just yet.
Jake Blabbermouth: Thanks for dropping by the show today, Nash. It’s a pleasure when fans get to listen to a future hall of famer. Have a good week and go Grinders.
Nash Mauler: Thanks Jake. Take care.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, so that was the great Nash Mauler to wrap up today’s show here on WKMA. After the 20-20 update we’ll be tossing things over to Mike Kingmaker and the afternoon show. And here he comes into the studio booth. Hi-ya Mike... What’s on tap for this afternoon’s show?
Translation: Yeah, now that my insignificant mid-day show is over, everyone can now listen to the Pope, his royal highness of sports pontification.
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, yeah... Greetings, Mr. Blabbermouth. Good to see you’ve been warming up our faithful listeners for an afternoon show full of Grinders talk.
Translation: And thanks for keeping my seat warm too. It’s chilly outside today, and I don’t like goose pimples on my royal tuchus. Okay, the 20-20 is just about over... You’re dismissed peon. Time for a real radio pro to sit down and work his magic.
Mike Kingmaker: Good afternoon, Gotham football fans... It’s time for “King Me” on WKMA, so let’s talk about our Gotham Grinders as they make the transition this week from a bad Ohio opponent to a major step up in class and talent in Boston. Yes, the Grinders won big, but they didn’t impress and played sloppy. Sparkles the quarterback tosses three touchdowns but also six picks, two which went back for the only Ohio touchdowns. Sparkles was sacked five times. The team scores 59 points, but the offense kicked more field goals, five, than touchdowns scored, four. The defense played solid, scoring two touchdowns and recording a safety, but they couldn’t sack Ohio’s quarterback the entire game. Yes, the Grinders have the league’s best record, just like Boston, but the Grinders aren’t as convincing as the Bunker Hills are, and we all know the Grinders won’t get away with the same sloppy and uneven play this week. Never before have I felt this worried about a team coming off a 45-point win like this.
Translation: C’mon... Just because WKMA pays me all this money and the Grinders are this station’s team, doesn’t mean the Grinders have to be MY team. There’s only so much positive gushing I do for these palookas.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, why don’t we go to the phones and hear what Steve in Secaucus has to say. Steve, you’re on the air. What’s on your mind.
Secaucus Steve: Hi Mike. Long time listener, first time caller. What do you think are the major things to worry about going into this game with Boston?
Translation: I’ve spent years listening to this pompous jerk and this is the first time in 15 years I’ve been able to get through the station’s switchboard. Go ahead, Mr. Big Shot... Go dump all over our great football team like you do every afternoon.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, where do I start? This team stinks and is winning on luck. How does a team score 59 points playing this sloppy? The quarterback’s a liability. When he drops back to pass, he’s equally likely to be sacked or intercepted. The placekicker is the most productive part of the offense. They’re definitely a notch below where Boston is.
Translation: Nothing impresses me about this team, and dopes like you need to wise up and realize I’ll never say anything good about them. Even if hell freezes over and they win the Super Bowl, I’ll tell you it really didn’t happen and everyone was on an LSD trip for three hours.
Secaucus Steve: Mike, but don’t you think the defense can take control of the game?
Translation: I dare you to dump on a defense that alone outscored their last opponent 16-0.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, Ohio’s not even a legitimate NFL team this season. My mother’s Mah-Jong group could’ve scored a touchdown against Ohio’s defense. Thanks for calling, Steve. Dom, who’s our next caller?
Translation: Nice try, but I’ll never say anything positive about your team. I hate these guys so much, for reasons I don’t even understand, I’d bet my kids’ college savings fund on whomever their opponent is. In fact, I even put a few bucks on Ohio last week just for the thrill of rooting against the local team. Next pigeon!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Fat Lou from Lindenhurst.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Lou. You’re on the air.
Fat Lou: Mike, how are Grinders fans supposed to get behind their team when youse always dumping on them?
Mike Kingmaker: I don’t always dump on them. I said they were a better team than Ohio.
Translation: Hey, Slim... Stop chewing on your lunch and listen more carefully to what I say on the radio. We’re gonna lose big in Boston, but we know how to beat up on even worse teams.
Fat Lou: Yeah, but youse never talk us up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for calling, Lou. Hey, these are professional football players... They don’t need my emotional support.
Translation: Oh boo hoo hoo... Fans don’t like it when I speak the truth about their teams. Let’s move on from this chump.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have Coach Crabbypants on the line?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Yes we do, Mike.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Folks, calling into the booth is none other than the head coach of the Grinders, Ron Crabbypants. Ron, congratulations on your win last week over Ohio. How are you? Are you focused and ready for Boston?
Translation: Yeah, yeah... Let’s all pat you guys on the back for beating a Pop Warner team in your own stadium. Now let’s see you put your money where your mouth is and play a real team... And you know where I’m putting MY money!
Ron Crabbypants: Hi Mike. Yes, we’re getting ready to finalize our game plan and take it to Boston for a tough battle. All the experts think the Bunker Hills are the best team in the league and we don’t stand a chance Monday night. Unfortunately, no one consulted me, and I say we’re gonna give ‘em everything we have and come home victorious.
Translation: You don’t think I listen to this station in my office or car? I hear you and Jake Blabbermouth ragging on us and calling your bookies to bet on Boston.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, your team’s on a roll, but once again the questions come up... Can Sparkles play consistent quarterback? Can your offense be more efficient in the red zone? Is the defense up to the task against a powerhouse that can light up the scoreboard from anywhere on the field?
Translation: C’mon, coach... Who are you kidding? Half the time I don’t know which team your quarterback’s playing for. If I didn’t know better, from the way your offensive line blocks for him, I have to wonder who’s making bets or trying to shave scores.
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, you need to understand that it takes time for an offensive unit to come together onto the same page when the coaching staff is constantly incorporating new plays and formations.
Translation: So you have no idea about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill two weeks ago?
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, but we’re three quarters of the way through the regular season. How much longer does it take for your guys to finally hit their stride? They can’t keep getting lucky like the Ohio game.
Translation: What does Prime Grill have to do with anything?!
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, the regular season is four quarters of four-game segments, and each segment is a new layer of evolution of a team roster and its character. Every team works toward a common goal of winning the Super Bowl, and for the lucky team that wins it all, we hope everything is completely in gear by then. We’re constantly working to improve, working to accomplish more, working to be a well-oiled machine in every aspect, working to have it all come together perfectly, working to win game after game after game until we’re the last ones standing with the trophy.
Translation: And you call yourself a journalist?! I’m the poor schnook everything falls on. I have to worry about every mistake my players make. I have to worry if there are clique wars between my offense and defense, within my offense or defense, or among my coaches. Heck, all you need to worry about is whether Fat Lou calls into your show. Me? I have to worry about all the Fat Lous in the cheap seats and all the Bernie Madoff wannabes who buy up the PSLs and luxury suites. And then let’s toss in a quarterback who ticks off his offensive linemen at the most expensive steak house in Manhattan, then plays like he’s bipolar. My entire career and sanity hinges on how unhinged these guys who make three-to-five times my salary get.
Mike Kingmaker: Do you think the best is yet to come for your team?
Translation: Wow... Coach, you seem unusually stressed this afternoon.
Ron Crabbypants: Oh sure, I definitely believe the best is yet to come. Hopefully we’ll hit our zenith in Boston and keep it going right into the playoffs. But we have to be careful and disciplined. Can’t keep making mistakes hoping to get away with them. Can’t have so many turnovers. Gotta protect the ball. Can’t have so many penalties. Gotta be mindful of field position and opportunities.
Translation: Boy, do I really want to win Monday night in Boston! I’m not going there to kiss their coach’s super bowl rings. I’m going up there so he can kiss our you-know-whats as we leave their stadium in total control of the division. Stress? You have no idea about stress! I spend so many hours working on game plans, I sleep on a cot in my office three nights a week. My wife doesn’t even recognize me anymore. My little granddaughter took back the teddy bear she gave me to keep from being lonely. It’s lonely and stressful at this point in the season.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, I wish you lots of luck Monday night. I know this is the most important game in years for this franchise. Thanks for coming on the show this afternoon, and we’ll talk with you next week.
Translation: Sheesh! This guy’s wound so tight I thought he’d rupture an artery. Thank goodness it’s time for a commercial break.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, and we’re back. As you know, this show’s sponsored by Gas-X... When you’re eating like a pig at the tailgating party, Gas-X gives you instant relief so you don’t add your own sounds to the game inside the stadium. Gas-X... Good for the tummy, good for all the fans in your section.
Dom, do we have Larry Twinkle-toes on the phone yet? We do? Great. Joining us now is the Grinders leading rusher, Larry Twinkle-toes. Larry, Mike Kingmaker here. How are you today?
Larry Twinkle-toes: I’m feeling good, Mike. Thanks for inviting me on the show.
Mike Kingmaker: No problem, Larry. Larry, a lot has been said recently about the inconsistencies in the passing attack. Is now the time of the season when it’s “ground and pound” time to carry the rock and wear down opposing defenses?
Translation: With the divisional title on the line, is now the right time to finally make you the focus of the offense and take the ball away from your Jekyll and Hyde quarterback so he has no chance to blow it?
Larry Twinkle-toes: You know it, Mike. It’s December and December weather. That means it’s “ground and pound” time, just as we’re built for.
Translation: Hey, until Pretty Boy straightens out his VISA fiasco, give me the damn ball and let me lead the way to victory. Unlike Pretty Boy, I know how to take care of the guys who block for me. Last week I took ‘em all to Pizza Hut with a wad of cash and a handful of “buy one, get one” coupons. I studied economics in college. I know the value of a buck.
Mike Kingmaker: Is it safe to say that your offense is designed to stretch the defense with the passing attack, and after the defense is gassed from chasing after receivers, you guys switch to the run and just plow them over?
Translation: Does Pretty Boy’s $15M salary force the coaches to let him run the show until he creates enough of a mess to justify taking the ball out of his hands?
Larry Twinkle-toes: Well, depending on the weather, we can go with a pass-first offense, but sometimes it makes more sense to come out with me running the ball until we break the will of the opposing defense.
Translation: Pretty Boy’s all pretty and no brains. I’d never let myself get into the mess he did with his VISA card. Frankly, I don’t understand why he took the linemen to the most expensive place for steak. These guys work in the trenches... They aren’t MENSA members, you know. I bet if I bought three dozen pairs of women’s shoes from Payless, and nuked them in the microwave oven with a ton of A-1 sauce, they might not even notice the difference. Those guys will eat anything you put on a plate!
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Dom, do we have a caller?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jamal from Saskatoon on the line.
Mike Kingmaker: Saskatoon? They have radios up there? I thought they had cattle and reindeer... Jamal, you’re on the air. You have a question for us?
Jamal: Uh, yes... Do you guys have any opinion about the Black Eyed Peas performing at this year’s Super Bowl?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh?
Jamal: Well... What do you think about the Black Eyed Peas? If they’re doing the halftime show, does it give players more motivation to get to the Super Bowl, or maybe a different performer provide more motivation? Like, uh... Justin Bieber... Maybe players prefer to play in a Super Bowl if Justin Bieber’s the halftime act instead, eh?
Larry Twinkle-toes: What the (expletive)?
Dom the Switchboard guy: What the (expletive)?
Translation: What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: What the... HEY! You don’t sound like some guy named Jamal!
Translation: The brothers don’t live in Saskatoon...
Mike Kingmaker: It’s YOU! Bieber! How did you get this station’s phone number? Where are you calling from? Where’s your baby sitter?! Don’t you know you have to be over 18 to call into this show?! Get off the phone and stay away from our show, you self-promoting munchkin!
Larry Twinkle-toes: You have to be 18 to call into the radio? Is that like the same as calling those 900 lines to talk with hot babes?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh? No! Don’t worry... No laws were broken. I just don’t talk with minors. My show! My phone line!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, I’m really sorry... I have no idea how he pulled this off. He sounded adult and Canadian to me.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do you even know what a Canadian sounds like?!
Larry Twinkle-toes: Gee, uh... Guys, I think I should get going now. Lots of film study still to do before dinner.
Translation: What the (expletive) just happened here?! I’m talking about being the man for our offense and then some singing midget calls in trying to pass himself off as a black Eskimo, or whatever they have in Saskatoon. This is too creepy for me... I think I’ll just stick to interviews with the newspaper reporters.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have any more players calling in to the show to talk about Monday’s game in Boston?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Bart Slammer on line three.
Mike Kingmaker: Mr. Slammer! The best trash talking and hardest hitting linebacker in the league... How are you today?
Bart Slammer: Better than you, my man. That’s a good one... Would we play harder to reach the Super Bowl if Justin Bieber was the halftime act? Ha ha ha ha ha... I don’t know where you get these callers, but that takes the cake for me!
Translation: Lucky for you we players love to talk all the time with the media... If it wasn’t for us, your show would just be a sorry collection of losers and nut-jobs calling in to take up oxygen.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, how are things shaping up for the defense as you guys get ready for Boston?
Bart Slammer: Mike, we’re always ready. Doesn’t matter who we play or where we play them.
Translation: You’re kidding, right? We’re the Grinders defense. Teams need to get ready for us, not the other way around.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, given how inconsistently the offense played last week against Ohio, and how dominant the defense was, do you guys feel any pressure to carry the team in a tough game against a team like Boston?
Translation: Is it possible the offensive line might throw the game because of Pretty Boy and VISA-gate?
Bart Slammer: Mike, the football season has ups and downs. Sometimes the offense has to cover for the defense, and sometimes the defense has to step up and save the day for the offense. We’re a 53-man team, all working together to win games.
Translation: Yeah, messing up with your VISA card at an expensive steak house usually lingers with the guys for a few weeks. I guess it falls to us to make sure we lead the way until all the offensive guys kiss and make up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks Bart. That makes perfect sense. Dom, do we have a last call before we wrap things up for this afternoon?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jerry from Bellville on line two.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Jerry. You’re on the air.
Jerry: I have a question for Bart... Bart, is it true the Devil is buried underneath the visitor’s locker room in Boston’s stadium, and...
Bart Slammer: Huh? Devil... WHAT?!
Mike Kingmaker: Devil WHERE?!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Oh, (expletive)! I read the computer monitor wrong... It’s Jerry from BELLEVUE!
Bart Slammer: BELLEVUE?! What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: BELLEVUE! This can’t be happening...
Jerry: That’s right, guys! I, the archangel of Satan, warn you, Gotham Grinders, that the Devil resides under the visiting locker room in Boston’s stadium! The only way you can defeat your rival is to destroy the curse that lives within the foundation of their structure! YOU MUST BURN DOWN THEIR STADIUM BEFORE KICKOFF OR DIE! DIE! DIE! MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Bart Slammer: This dude has payphone privileges at Bellevue?
Mike Kingmaker: You don’t know the half of it.
Dom the Switchboard guy: Jerry’s a regular for the night shift show... I guess he must’ve got change for the phone after shock therapy.
Bart Slammer: This dude gets shock therapy?
Mike Kingmaker: Apparently Thorazine doesn’t help.
Translation: Why me?! What did I do to deserve these crackpot callers on my show?
Bart Slammer: Yeah... Well, it’s been fun... I think it’s time to call it a day and get some dinner. Thanks for inviting me on your show.
Translation: Holy (expletive)... I think I’m finally speechless.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for spending a little time with us, Bart. Good luck in Boston. We’re rooting for you and the entire team.
Translation: Now that my radio career is officially up in smoke, I might as well cheer on the local team... either that, or hire an exorcist for them, just in case...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)