Do you ever listen to sports talk shows on the radio? Do you ever wonder what players and coaches really mean when they say stuff to these show hosts, or what happens when fans call in with questions? Well, I’m here to provide you a somewhat inside look into these discussions and some translation of their words. Granted, it’s been over 26 years since I last wore the pads and uniform, but I still know enough of the lingo to give you a deeper understanding of player-speak and coach-speak.
Come... Let’s spy in on a hybridized talk show to get a sense of what sports radio in New York is really like...
Radio Host: Okay, we’re back. Happy Monday to everyone. Youse guys are listening to Jake Blabbermouth and the Gotham Gridiron Show on WKMA, the show with Noo Yawk attitude about Noo Yawk teams. If youse can’t take it, fugetaboutit, kiss my royal youse-know-what, and go find an easy listening station on the FM dial.
And... fresh off their nail-biter 59-14 win over the pathetic Ohio Alley Cats is our own star quarterback, Joe Sparkles. Joe, welcome to the show. We love you, kid, and we love that our Gotham Grinders are tied for the best record in the NFL heading into a very important showdown with the Boston Bunker Hills for conference supremacy.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... The Alley Cats STINK, and youse guys could only win by 45?! Youse better stop screwing around with Boston coming up. I’m planning to bet my mother-in-law’s nursing home reservation on this game, so youse better appreciate the magnitude of things.
Joe Sparkles: Thanks Jake. It’s always a pleasure to be on your show, especially after we win games.
Translation: Dude, get off my back. I know who you’re bookie is. You’ve been busting my chops since the day I was drafted, win or lose. It’s a good thing your station pays me five-grand for each appearance... I really deserve more for the 20 minutes of crap I have to put up with every Monday during the season.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse know I bleed for the Grinders every week since before youse was born. This has been one special season so far and I hope no one pinches me and wakes me from this dream until after youse holdin’ that Super Bowl trophy in February.
Joe Sparkles: You bet, Jake. We all know you and the Grinders go way back, over 40 years together. Nothing would please us more than to bring Gotham fans their first Super Bowl championship in 42 years.
Translation: How many times do I have to listen to this “we’ve been waiting so many years” jive? You must think we play on commission or something, like if you nag us enough that’s all it’ll take to turn us into a championship team. Dude, have you ever played organized football? It’s not like we schedule a bunch of beer league teams for opponents.
Jake Blabbermouth: Well, as long as you how much we love our Grinders and support you. We all can’t wait for youse guys to make us proud next week in Boston.
Translation: Hey, I’ve been a loyal fan since January 13, 1969, the day right after the Grinders won their very first Super Bowl title. I’d give my spleen for another title if I live long enough. Youse guys have spent years inventing ways how to break our hearts. Oh the pain of it all. I already know everything’s too good to be true. Youse guys are gonna get KILLED in Boston. Why even bother calling my bookie? No matter which way I bet youse guys will do the opposite. I should simply set fire to my checkbook and let you carve out my liver and fry it with onions, for G-d’s sake!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, as y’all know, professional football is a tough sport, and momentum can change with each week. Boston’s a tough team and a divisional rival. They’re tough at home, especially on primetime television. We’re just gonna prepare as best we can, go up there and give ‘em everything we’ve got.
Translation: Dude, take Boston and the under.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, Boston poses lots of challenges for your offense. How are youse gonna handle their pass rush? It seems youse been having to run around in the pocket a lot lately.
Translation: Youse seem to be a sitting duck every time you drop back to pass. What the hell’s up with that?
Joe Sparkles: Well, we’ve been having a few protection issues with certain plays the coaches are incorporating into the play book. Eventually we’ll work out those kinks and have the passing attack running on all cylinders.
Translation: Dude, you wouldn’t believe it... A couple of weeks ago, I treated my offensive line to a steak dinner in Manhattan and my VISA card got declined. So embarrassing... I didn’t have enough cash to cover the bill, so the guys all had to pay for themselves. I’m reimbursing everyone from next week’s paycheck, but the guys are still ticked about it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So your protection schemes are still being worked on?
Translation: Schmuck! You don’t keep track of your credit limit?!
Joe Sparkles: I’m pretty confident the blocking will solidify soon with more practice on these new plays. In the meantime, we’ll adjust and make the best of things.
Translation: Dude, theatre majors don’t take business courses in college! My agent handles all the math stuff for me. As soon as my VISA gets paid off for all the Victoria’s Secret stuff I bought for my wife and groupies, I’ll be solvent in cash again to pay the guys back. In the meantime, I guess I better learn to roll out more, or else I’ll be on my ass a lot next week.
Jake Blabbermouth: Are you doing enough film study in preparation for the Bunker Hills?
Translation: Hey, Einstein... If you can’t keep track of your VISA balance, how are we supposed to trust you being able to read a defense?
Joe Sparkles: Oh yes. I’ve been doing a lot of film study since the Ohio game and taking serious notes about Boston’s defensive tendencies. Of course, the key in such a tough game between two teams that really know each other is to minimize mistakes and maximize our limited opportunities.
Translation: Dude, I gotta be careful with the ball. I can’t afford to fumble or throw interceptions. These guys are really much better than us and they’ll kill us if we give them more scoring opportunities.
Jake Blabbermouth: No kidding, Joe. Turnovers will kill youse every time in tight games.
Translation: Look, pretty boy... My bookie tells me the point spread’s gonna stay Boston by four, and the over-under’s 32, right through to kickoff. Youse start giving the ball back to the other jerseys youse guys are DEAD. Youse guys need to win a 7-3 kinda game, youse get it? I don’t want my mother-in-law living with me by the time I retire to Boca!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, in tight games, any little thing can turn into something big, good or bad. Even though turnovers are a part of the game, it’s very rare when y’all can win a game 59-14 after throwing six interceptions.
Translation: Dude, stuff happens. Better I throw all those interceptions in games that I can also pass for three touchdowns against a lousy opponent.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, youse had me reaching for the Maalox yesterday. I don’t know how many more of those games my insides can take.
Translation: What the hell’s wrong with you?! This is FOOTBALL! If I want all these highs and lows I’d follow the stock market on CNBC!
Joe Sparkles: Jake, football’s a funny sport sometimes. We like to keep the excitement in one direction, but sometimes games take on a life of their own.
Translation: Oops.
Jake Blabbermouth: Youse don’t need to tell me, kid... I’ve seen my share of wacky Grinders games through the years.
Translation: OOPS?! Are you kidding me?! OOPS?! I can’t believe we pay you five grand a week for these insights!
Joe Sparkles: Well, Jake, we’re gonna do our best next Monday night in Boston and see what happens.
Translation: Dude... I could be chilling in my Jacuzzi with the wife instead of wasting another 20 minutes of my life talking to you.
Jake Blabbermouth: I’m keeping my fingers crossed, Joe... From your lips to G-d’s ears, we’re hoping youse show Boston who’s boss. In the meantime we have time for one call, and we have Sad Sal from Staten Island. Sal, Jake Blabbermouth here! Youse on the air... What’s your question for Joe Sparkles?
Translation: Hallelujah! PLEASE... Someone ask this stiff a question he can answer and make these 20 minutes worth it!
Sad Sal: Thanks Jake. It’s an honor to be on your show. I’m a long time listener, first-time caller. Hey, Joe, do youse worry about getting hurt when youse in the open field running with the ball? I mean, if youse don’t slide right, youse can get killed.
Translation: Hey, pretty boy... What the hell’s with these face first belly flops when you’re running with the ball?! I almost lost my shirt to Jake’s bookie last month when you fumbled the ball off your friggin’ face because youse don’t know how to slide on your ass!
Joe Sparkles: Sir, that’s a very good question. Sometimes y’all lose logic in the heat of battle, and out of instinct y’all do something unwise.
Translation: You gotta be kidding me... You wait your entire miserable life on Staten Island to ask me about sliding technique after I get a first down?! You’re not talking to Carlos Beltran. Dude, I make $15M a season and have 200,000 followers on Twitter. What do you know about football? Is this segment over yet? I was really hoping to hit the mall before lunch.
Jake Blabbermouth: Joe, couldn’t say it better myself. Football’s a game of emotion and reaction. Sometimes youse ain’t thinking every second of the game and things sorta happen. Joe, as always, it’s a pleasure to talk with youse. We wish youse the best next week in Boston. Be well and go Grinders.
Translation: Geez Louise! Is it time for a commercial yet?! This schmuck gets $15M per season and he doesn’t know his head from his ass?! We’ll NEVER win another Super Bowl before I’m dead and buried! This kid KILLS me every single week... Every season is the same ol’ rupture my spleen aggravation with this team and these whack-job players.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, and we’re back after that wonderful commercial for Bruno’s Bail Bonds. When youse in the pokey and don’t have cash handy, call Bruno and he’ll take good care of you, if youse know what’s good for you.
And now it’s my pleasure to introduce the Grinders All-Pro right tackle, Bubba Blaster. Bubba, Jake Blabbermouth here; how youse doin’ today?
Translation: Oh boy... I go from the idiot quarterback to a complete Neanderthal with a rap sheet longer than Bruno’s bond list.
Bubba Blaster: Hey Jake. What’s shakin’ today?
Translation: Why are these weekly appearances supposed to give me credit for community service?
Jake Blabbermouth: Bubba, as usual, youse had a solid game plowing down the defense while the Grinders scored four touchdowns, three by passing, one by the ground game. How do you feel the offensive line is gelling together at this point of the season?
Translation: Do youse guys think you could block a little better for your quarterback, or are fans gonna have to live and die every time that schmuck drops back to throw the ball?
Bubba Blaster: Well, Jake, we like to have a balanced offense, but if we need to score through the air, we can do it as long as Joe is still upright.
Translation: Did you hear what Pretty Boy did to us two weeks ago?! Fool takes us all out for a steak dinner on him and he maxes out his damn VISA card! Pretty Boy don’t do that to big mothers like us who protect his Pretty Boy ass. Mrs. Blaster don’t like me putting a big tab on our VISA card. Ol’ Bubba don’t make no $15M like Pretty Boy does. So until Pretty Boy makes amends, Pretty Boy’s uniform gets some grass and mud stains!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys are still working out the kinks?
Translation: Did that schmuck really forget to check his VISA balance beforehand?
Bubba Blaster: Jake, we O linemen take our craft seriously, but the NFL has so much balance these days, every week is a close battle in the trenches.
Translation: Not only that, but Pretty Boy has to take us to the most expensive steak place in the city... Prime Grill! Pretty Boy says we should go classy once in a while... Hey, ol’ Bubba’s 6’-2” and tips the scales at 375. How the hell is ol’ Bubba supposed to look classy in some suit and tie at a steakhouse? In the front window y’all see a giant U in a circle. Y’all know what that giant U stands for? YOU better have your damn VISA card ready because that food is expensive! Damn! They charge for a steak what I spend for a month’s worth of KFC! And it’s just the STEAK! Damn! Y’all gotta pay extra for the sides stuff, and it’s no free refills on your Pepsi too!
Ol’ Bubba gotta dress classy and we got a waiter who looks like ZZ-Top wearing a beanie! And he don’t even tuck in his shirt! He’s got all these loose threads hanging out. Damn! Pretty Boy coulda just taken us to Sizzler, where the BOO-FAY and Pepsi refills are included!
Jake Blabbermouth: So youse guys and Joe are bonding more as a unit?
Translation: Youse know that was an orthodox kosher joint, don’t you? Oy Vey... Why the hell am I having this conversation with this guy? Is it time for another commercial break yet?!
Jake Blabbermouth: Folks, as a special treat, we have the rock and anchor of the Grinders offensive line, future hall of fame center, Nash Mauler. Nash, Jake Blabbermouth here.
Nash Mauler: Hey Jake. How are you today?
Translation: Bubba got on your nerves that fast, huh?
Jake Blabbermouth: Nash, Bubba was telling us before about how youse guys are slowly bonding as a unit and working with Joe Sparkles to make the passing attack better.
Nash Mauler: Yes, Jake, we’re working on some new things as we start getting into the playoff push.
Translation: So you already know about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill, huh? Well, other than that it actually was a nice gathering, and it really was the best steak I’ve eaten. But, when you end up sticking your protection with that kind of tab, you know we’re gonna get back at you for it.
Jake Blabbermouth: So how are things shaping up?
Translation: How much longer are youse gonna leave this schmuck running for his life on passing downs?
Nash Mauler: We’re getting there... We’ll definitely be ready for Boston.
Translation: Hey, we’re not stupid... The divisional title is at stake. You can tell your bookie to put you down for us and the points. But, if I was Pretty Boy, I’d like to see us calling a lot more running plays Monday night, if you know what I mean.
Jake Blabbermouth: Will the game plan depend on how the weather is? Boston can get cold and wet in December.
Translation: So Pretty Boy better pray for rain or snow to keep his uniform pants clean?
Nash Mauler: Well, December weather is Grinders weather, and we definitely know how to grind defenses to a pulp.
Translation: If we have clear skies and call lots of pass plays, I guarantee Pretty Boy will go down anywhere between three and six times. We’re still waiting for his agent to straighten out the reimbursements.
Jake Blabbermouth: That’s what I like to hear, Nash. Sounds like our Grinders are ready for business.
Translation: Are you sure I should take youse guys and the points?
Nash Mauler: Don’t worry Jake. We’re going to be very focused and ready to take control of things.
Translation: I’d take the points, but maybe you should just wait and see how things go during the practice week. Pretty Boy’s not out of the woods just yet.
Jake Blabbermouth: Thanks for dropping by the show today, Nash. It’s a pleasure when fans get to listen to a future hall of famer. Have a good week and go Grinders.
Nash Mauler: Thanks Jake. Take care.
Jake Blabbermouth: Okay, so that was the great Nash Mauler to wrap up today’s show here on WKMA. After the 20-20 update we’ll be tossing things over to Mike Kingmaker and the afternoon show. And here he comes into the studio booth. Hi-ya Mike... What’s on tap for this afternoon’s show?
Translation: Yeah, now that my insignificant mid-day show is over, everyone can now listen to the Pope, his royal highness of sports pontification.
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, yeah... Greetings, Mr. Blabbermouth. Good to see you’ve been warming up our faithful listeners for an afternoon show full of Grinders talk.
Translation: And thanks for keeping my seat warm too. It’s chilly outside today, and I don’t like goose pimples on my royal tuchus. Okay, the 20-20 is just about over... You’re dismissed peon. Time for a real radio pro to sit down and work his magic.
Mike Kingmaker: Good afternoon, Gotham football fans... It’s time for “King Me” on WKMA, so let’s talk about our Gotham Grinders as they make the transition this week from a bad Ohio opponent to a major step up in class and talent in Boston. Yes, the Grinders won big, but they didn’t impress and played sloppy. Sparkles the quarterback tosses three touchdowns but also six picks, two which went back for the only Ohio touchdowns. Sparkles was sacked five times. The team scores 59 points, but the offense kicked more field goals, five, than touchdowns scored, four. The defense played solid, scoring two touchdowns and recording a safety, but they couldn’t sack Ohio’s quarterback the entire game. Yes, the Grinders have the league’s best record, just like Boston, but the Grinders aren’t as convincing as the Bunker Hills are, and we all know the Grinders won’t get away with the same sloppy and uneven play this week. Never before have I felt this worried about a team coming off a 45-point win like this.
Translation: C’mon... Just because WKMA pays me all this money and the Grinders are this station’s team, doesn’t mean the Grinders have to be MY team. There’s only so much positive gushing I do for these palookas.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, why don’t we go to the phones and hear what Steve in Secaucus has to say. Steve, you’re on the air. What’s on your mind.
Secaucus Steve: Hi Mike. Long time listener, first time caller. What do you think are the major things to worry about going into this game with Boston?
Translation: I’ve spent years listening to this pompous jerk and this is the first time in 15 years I’ve been able to get through the station’s switchboard. Go ahead, Mr. Big Shot... Go dump all over our great football team like you do every afternoon.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, where do I start? This team stinks and is winning on luck. How does a team score 59 points playing this sloppy? The quarterback’s a liability. When he drops back to pass, he’s equally likely to be sacked or intercepted. The placekicker is the most productive part of the offense. They’re definitely a notch below where Boston is.
Translation: Nothing impresses me about this team, and dopes like you need to wise up and realize I’ll never say anything good about them. Even if hell freezes over and they win the Super Bowl, I’ll tell you it really didn’t happen and everyone was on an LSD trip for three hours.
Secaucus Steve: Mike, but don’t you think the defense can take control of the game?
Translation: I dare you to dump on a defense that alone outscored their last opponent 16-0.
Mike Kingmaker: Steve, Ohio’s not even a legitimate NFL team this season. My mother’s Mah-Jong group could’ve scored a touchdown against Ohio’s defense. Thanks for calling, Steve. Dom, who’s our next caller?
Translation: Nice try, but I’ll never say anything positive about your team. I hate these guys so much, for reasons I don’t even understand, I’d bet my kids’ college savings fund on whomever their opponent is. In fact, I even put a few bucks on Ohio last week just for the thrill of rooting against the local team. Next pigeon!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Fat Lou from Lindenhurst.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Lou. You’re on the air.
Fat Lou: Mike, how are Grinders fans supposed to get behind their team when youse always dumping on them?
Mike Kingmaker: I don’t always dump on them. I said they were a better team than Ohio.
Translation: Hey, Slim... Stop chewing on your lunch and listen more carefully to what I say on the radio. We’re gonna lose big in Boston, but we know how to beat up on even worse teams.
Fat Lou: Yeah, but youse never talk us up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for calling, Lou. Hey, these are professional football players... They don’t need my emotional support.
Translation: Oh boo hoo hoo... Fans don’t like it when I speak the truth about their teams. Let’s move on from this chump.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have Coach Crabbypants on the line?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Yes we do, Mike.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Folks, calling into the booth is none other than the head coach of the Grinders, Ron Crabbypants. Ron, congratulations on your win last week over Ohio. How are you? Are you focused and ready for Boston?
Translation: Yeah, yeah... Let’s all pat you guys on the back for beating a Pop Warner team in your own stadium. Now let’s see you put your money where your mouth is and play a real team... And you know where I’m putting MY money!
Ron Crabbypants: Hi Mike. Yes, we’re getting ready to finalize our game plan and take it to Boston for a tough battle. All the experts think the Bunker Hills are the best team in the league and we don’t stand a chance Monday night. Unfortunately, no one consulted me, and I say we’re gonna give ‘em everything we have and come home victorious.
Translation: You don’t think I listen to this station in my office or car? I hear you and Jake Blabbermouth ragging on us and calling your bookies to bet on Boston.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, your team’s on a roll, but once again the questions come up... Can Sparkles play consistent quarterback? Can your offense be more efficient in the red zone? Is the defense up to the task against a powerhouse that can light up the scoreboard from anywhere on the field?
Translation: C’mon, coach... Who are you kidding? Half the time I don’t know which team your quarterback’s playing for. If I didn’t know better, from the way your offensive line blocks for him, I have to wonder who’s making bets or trying to shave scores.
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, you need to understand that it takes time for an offensive unit to come together onto the same page when the coaching staff is constantly incorporating new plays and formations.
Translation: So you have no idea about Pretty Boy’s VISA fiasco at Prime Grill two weeks ago?
Mike Kingmaker: Yeah, but we’re three quarters of the way through the regular season. How much longer does it take for your guys to finally hit their stride? They can’t keep getting lucky like the Ohio game.
Translation: What does Prime Grill have to do with anything?!
Ron Crabbypants: Mike, the regular season is four quarters of four-game segments, and each segment is a new layer of evolution of a team roster and its character. Every team works toward a common goal of winning the Super Bowl, and for the lucky team that wins it all, we hope everything is completely in gear by then. We’re constantly working to improve, working to accomplish more, working to be a well-oiled machine in every aspect, working to have it all come together perfectly, working to win game after game after game until we’re the last ones standing with the trophy.
Translation: And you call yourself a journalist?! I’m the poor schnook everything falls on. I have to worry about every mistake my players make. I have to worry if there are clique wars between my offense and defense, within my offense or defense, or among my coaches. Heck, all you need to worry about is whether Fat Lou calls into your show. Me? I have to worry about all the Fat Lous in the cheap seats and all the Bernie Madoff wannabes who buy up the PSLs and luxury suites. And then let’s toss in a quarterback who ticks off his offensive linemen at the most expensive steak house in Manhattan, then plays like he’s bipolar. My entire career and sanity hinges on how unhinged these guys who make three-to-five times my salary get.
Mike Kingmaker: Do you think the best is yet to come for your team?
Translation: Wow... Coach, you seem unusually stressed this afternoon.
Ron Crabbypants: Oh sure, I definitely believe the best is yet to come. Hopefully we’ll hit our zenith in Boston and keep it going right into the playoffs. But we have to be careful and disciplined. Can’t keep making mistakes hoping to get away with them. Can’t have so many turnovers. Gotta protect the ball. Can’t have so many penalties. Gotta be mindful of field position and opportunities.
Translation: Boy, do I really want to win Monday night in Boston! I’m not going there to kiss their coach’s super bowl rings. I’m going up there so he can kiss our you-know-whats as we leave their stadium in total control of the division. Stress? You have no idea about stress! I spend so many hours working on game plans, I sleep on a cot in my office three nights a week. My wife doesn’t even recognize me anymore. My little granddaughter took back the teddy bear she gave me to keep from being lonely. It’s lonely and stressful at this point in the season.
Mike Kingmaker: Ron, I wish you lots of luck Monday night. I know this is the most important game in years for this franchise. Thanks for coming on the show this afternoon, and we’ll talk with you next week.
Translation: Sheesh! This guy’s wound so tight I thought he’d rupture an artery. Thank goodness it’s time for a commercial break.
Mike Kingmaker: Okay, and we’re back. As you know, this show’s sponsored by Gas-X... When you’re eating like a pig at the tailgating party, Gas-X gives you instant relief so you don’t add your own sounds to the game inside the stadium. Gas-X... Good for the tummy, good for all the fans in your section.
Dom, do we have Larry Twinkle-toes on the phone yet? We do? Great. Joining us now is the Grinders leading rusher, Larry Twinkle-toes. Larry, Mike Kingmaker here. How are you today?
Larry Twinkle-toes: I’m feeling good, Mike. Thanks for inviting me on the show.
Mike Kingmaker: No problem, Larry. Larry, a lot has been said recently about the inconsistencies in the passing attack. Is now the time of the season when it’s “ground and pound” time to carry the rock and wear down opposing defenses?
Translation: With the divisional title on the line, is now the right time to finally make you the focus of the offense and take the ball away from your Jekyll and Hyde quarterback so he has no chance to blow it?
Larry Twinkle-toes: You know it, Mike. It’s December and December weather. That means it’s “ground and pound” time, just as we’re built for.
Translation: Hey, until Pretty Boy straightens out his VISA fiasco, give me the damn ball and let me lead the way to victory. Unlike Pretty Boy, I know how to take care of the guys who block for me. Last week I took ‘em all to Pizza Hut with a wad of cash and a handful of “buy one, get one” coupons. I studied economics in college. I know the value of a buck.
Mike Kingmaker: Is it safe to say that your offense is designed to stretch the defense with the passing attack, and after the defense is gassed from chasing after receivers, you guys switch to the run and just plow them over?
Translation: Does Pretty Boy’s $15M salary force the coaches to let him run the show until he creates enough of a mess to justify taking the ball out of his hands?
Larry Twinkle-toes: Well, depending on the weather, we can go with a pass-first offense, but sometimes it makes more sense to come out with me running the ball until we break the will of the opposing defense.
Translation: Pretty Boy’s all pretty and no brains. I’d never let myself get into the mess he did with his VISA card. Frankly, I don’t understand why he took the linemen to the most expensive place for steak. These guys work in the trenches... They aren’t MENSA members, you know. I bet if I bought three dozen pairs of women’s shoes from Payless, and nuked them in the microwave oven with a ton of A-1 sauce, they might not even notice the difference. Those guys will eat anything you put on a plate!
Mike Kingmaker: Okay... Dom, do we have a caller?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jamal from Saskatoon on the line.
Mike Kingmaker: Saskatoon? They have radios up there? I thought they had cattle and reindeer... Jamal, you’re on the air. You have a question for us?
Jamal: Uh, yes... Do you guys have any opinion about the Black Eyed Peas performing at this year’s Super Bowl?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh?
Jamal: Well... What do you think about the Black Eyed Peas? If they’re doing the halftime show, does it give players more motivation to get to the Super Bowl, or maybe a different performer provide more motivation? Like, uh... Justin Bieber... Maybe players prefer to play in a Super Bowl if Justin Bieber’s the halftime act instead, eh?
Larry Twinkle-toes: What the (expletive)?
Dom the Switchboard guy: What the (expletive)?
Translation: What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: What the... HEY! You don’t sound like some guy named Jamal!
Translation: The brothers don’t live in Saskatoon...
Mike Kingmaker: It’s YOU! Bieber! How did you get this station’s phone number? Where are you calling from? Where’s your baby sitter?! Don’t you know you have to be over 18 to call into this show?! Get off the phone and stay away from our show, you self-promoting munchkin!
Larry Twinkle-toes: You have to be 18 to call into the radio? Is that like the same as calling those 900 lines to talk with hot babes?
Mike Kingmaker: Huh? No! Don’t worry... No laws were broken. I just don’t talk with minors. My show! My phone line!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, I’m really sorry... I have no idea how he pulled this off. He sounded adult and Canadian to me.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do you even know what a Canadian sounds like?!
Larry Twinkle-toes: Gee, uh... Guys, I think I should get going now. Lots of film study still to do before dinner.
Translation: What the (expletive) just happened here?! I’m talking about being the man for our offense and then some singing midget calls in trying to pass himself off as a black Eskimo, or whatever they have in Saskatoon. This is too creepy for me... I think I’ll just stick to interviews with the newspaper reporters.
Mike Kingmaker: Dom, do we have any more players calling in to the show to talk about Monday’s game in Boston?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Bart Slammer on line three.
Mike Kingmaker: Mr. Slammer! The best trash talking and hardest hitting linebacker in the league... How are you today?
Bart Slammer: Better than you, my man. That’s a good one... Would we play harder to reach the Super Bowl if Justin Bieber was the halftime act? Ha ha ha ha ha... I don’t know where you get these callers, but that takes the cake for me!
Translation: Lucky for you we players love to talk all the time with the media... If it wasn’t for us, your show would just be a sorry collection of losers and nut-jobs calling in to take up oxygen.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, how are things shaping up for the defense as you guys get ready for Boston?
Bart Slammer: Mike, we’re always ready. Doesn’t matter who we play or where we play them.
Translation: You’re kidding, right? We’re the Grinders defense. Teams need to get ready for us, not the other way around.
Mike Kingmaker: Bart, given how inconsistently the offense played last week against Ohio, and how dominant the defense was, do you guys feel any pressure to carry the team in a tough game against a team like Boston?
Translation: Is it possible the offensive line might throw the game because of Pretty Boy and VISA-gate?
Bart Slammer: Mike, the football season has ups and downs. Sometimes the offense has to cover for the defense, and sometimes the defense has to step up and save the day for the offense. We’re a 53-man team, all working together to win games.
Translation: Yeah, messing up with your VISA card at an expensive steak house usually lingers with the guys for a few weeks. I guess it falls to us to make sure we lead the way until all the offensive guys kiss and make up.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks Bart. That makes perfect sense. Dom, do we have a last call before we wrap things up for this afternoon?
Dom the Switchboard guy: Mike, we have Jerry from Bellville on line two.
Mike Kingmaker: Go ahead Jerry. You’re on the air.
Jerry: I have a question for Bart... Bart, is it true the Devil is buried underneath the visitor’s locker room in Boston’s stadium, and...
Bart Slammer: Huh? Devil... WHAT?!
Mike Kingmaker: Devil WHERE?!
Dom the Switchboard guy: Oh, (expletive)! I read the computer monitor wrong... It’s Jerry from BELLEVUE!
Bart Slammer: BELLEVUE?! What the (expletive)?!
Mike Kingmaker: BELLEVUE! This can’t be happening...
Jerry: That’s right, guys! I, the archangel of Satan, warn you, Gotham Grinders, that the Devil resides under the visiting locker room in Boston’s stadium! The only way you can defeat your rival is to destroy the curse that lives within the foundation of their structure! YOU MUST BURN DOWN THEIR STADIUM BEFORE KICKOFF OR DIE! DIE! DIE! MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Bart Slammer: This dude has payphone privileges at Bellevue?
Mike Kingmaker: You don’t know the half of it.
Dom the Switchboard guy: Jerry’s a regular for the night shift show... I guess he must’ve got change for the phone after shock therapy.
Bart Slammer: This dude gets shock therapy?
Mike Kingmaker: Apparently Thorazine doesn’t help.
Translation: Why me?! What did I do to deserve these crackpot callers on my show?
Bart Slammer: Yeah... Well, it’s been fun... I think it’s time to call it a day and get some dinner. Thanks for inviting me on your show.
Translation: Holy (expletive)... I think I’m finally speechless.
Mike Kingmaker: Thanks for spending a little time with us, Bart. Good luck in Boston. We’re rooting for you and the entire team.
Translation: Now that my radio career is officially up in smoke, I might as well cheer on the local team... either that, or hire an exorcist for them, just in case...
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